Last week I was listening to some favourite programme on ZiFM when DeeJay SK asked listeners to tell him secrets that they would not want their spouse to ever know about.
The revelations were shocking and I think that DJ needs to go for counselling because I also suffered severe stress in the process.
The DJ told the listeners to send their thoughts on a ZiFM WhatsApp number, promising like he always does, not to reveal senders names or any other details.
I was traumatised by some of the issues that were read by the DJ and they were actually real. Why I say so is that I have heard about such stories told in hush tones… without any formal confirmation and here I was hearing about some of the issues live on radio.
The messages sounded like fairy tales but they were actually true. One story that particularly intrigued me was that of a man who once dated some woman but ended up marrying the young sister.
It was not clear whether the older sister had eventually married another man but this man said that when this woman visits his home, and his wife is away, they sleep together. Young sister is unaware of their past relationship and the affair is as strong as ever before. Should this man tell his wife that he is also involved with her older sister?
Another message that was read was that of a young woman who has a child with her stepfather, but she has not told her new husband about this.
It was not clear in the message whether her mother is aware about this but it’s a message that actually made me freeze as I Iay in bed? What would happen if she told her husband the whole truth?
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During my work as a journalist, I have come across situations where the most unbelievable types of information were kept hidden from someone. I once interviewed a woman many years ago, who said she was raised by a couple that had picked her from their doorstep after her mother dumped her.
As she grew older, her parents had died when some of her ‘siblings’ told her that she was not related to them in any way whatsoever.
This happened when her husband was working in South Africa and never has she told him about this secret because she fears of being abandoned by her spouse.
But how can a person hide such a story from her partner no matter how painful it may be? But I can understand the reason why she would rather go to the grave with this secret. In the Shona culture, it is taboo to marry someone who has no roots, let alone a person who doesn’t know her totem.
According to the culture, this woman is a curse that will cause too many problems for the entire family in the form of evil spirits (ngozi) if she dies.
Shame is a powerful motive for keeping the secrets.
Some of the reasons why people keep secrets include divorce, mental illness, rape, adoption, alcoholism/drug addiction, extramarital affairs, job loss, homosexuality and many more.
One married man told a support group in Harare that although he was married and had four children, he was also involved with two men in a homosexual affair. He says his wife does not suspect anything and that this secret will just die with him and buried with him in his grave.
Mental illness is another family secret that is never divulged until when an individual marries. One woman swore that she would never reveal to her spouse that she once was admitted to Parirenyatwa Ward 13 mental hospital with a mental illness.
She takes her medication daily but has told her husband that they are part of her high blood pressure and diabetes medication. That is terrible isn’t it? What if she relapses?
Sexual issues and various types of sexually-transmitted diseases are sources of extreme shame and embarrassment especially for women because they fear that they will be judged as promiscuous if they admit to a boyfriend that they have an STI.
In this case, I am referring to the less deadly types of STI’s such as Chlamydia and Herpes, rather than the more serious diseases such as HIV, which has this as well as other issues surrounding it.
There are couples who have not opened up to each other about their HIV status and sometimes only one of them knows their HIV positive status.
How does one deal with such a situation?
In our highly competitive society in which success is measured by the amount of money that you make, being laid off, downsized or fired from a job is extremely painful and leads to feelings of depression for many people.
Men lose their self-esteem after losing their jobs because so much of their self-worth is measured by their ability to earn a living for their families.
There are actually cases in which a man has lied to his wife and children about his work status, pretending that he still has his old job.
In one incident, this particular man drove to work in his old jalopy, changed his clothes at some dingy workshop where he worked as a general handyman.
Criminal behavior, violations of the incest, taboo and suicide are also other examples of factors that lead to lies and secrets.
Some woman from some high density suburb discovered that her husband who claimed that he was a motor mechanic, was actually a carjacker, a thief, after he was caught in the act of committing the crime.
One other message that Deejay SK read that made me cringe in bed was about a man who said: “I hate my wife but she doesn’t know.”
My question is why is he living with someone he doesn’t like? That was shocking. But what family secrets do you have that you want your spouse or family to know?
The truth will set you free.
