A RECENT case from KwaZulu-Natal has sparked intense public debate after a son refused to bury his father, leaving the body unclaimed in a mortuary for over a month. While many have questioned the son’s actions, the case raises deeper and more uncomfortable questions: What happens when family bonds have been broken first by parents? Is the duty of care by an adult
child over their parent unconditional?
Behind sad decisions made by adult children often lies a history of neglect, abandonment, emotional distance or unresolved conflicts. When relationships collapse over years of absence or rejection, expectations of duty to a parent can feel like a burden to a child rather than an obligation. The KwaZulu-Natal case is more than a story about burial; it is a reflection of a growing crisis of family breakdown and the long-term consequences of parental neglect.
When parenting is seen as a burden
In many communities, increasing numbers of children grow up with parents who are physically absent, emotionally unavailable or unwilling to provide any form of support. Some fathers deny paternity or refuse to pay maintenance. Others disengage after separation, leaving children to grow up without guidance, affection or financial stability. For these children, the emotional impact does not disappear with age. Research consistently shows that parental neglect is associated with:
Chronic resentment and unresolved anger
Attachment difficulties in adulthood
Emotional detachment from family relationships
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A diminished sense of obligation towards absent parents later on in life.
When such parents later require care, adult children may struggle to reconcile social expectations with personal childhood pain.
When children become a burden to parents starting afresh
Family breakdown also occurs when parents enter new relationships and distance themselves from children from previous unions. In some cases, mothers relocate with new partners and leave children in the care of relatives or in unstable environments. Others reduce contact to the point of emotional abandonment. In extreme situations, the pressure to “start over” has led to tragic cases where mothers abandon infants or, in rare but devastating incidents, commit infanticide due to fear of rejection by a new partner. Children who are abandoned often internalise rejection or grow up with feelings of being unwanted or disposable. Over time, emotional distance hardens into indifference or, in some cases, deep resentment. The KwaZulu-Natal case reminds us that neglect does not end in childhood; its effects can shape family relationships later on.
Fathers who deny responsibility
Parental neglect is also driven by persistent patterns of paternal denial. Many fathers avoid legal responsibility, leaving mothers to shoulder the full burden of care. Weak enforcement of maintenance orders and social tolerance of paternal abandonment continue to expose children to poverty and emotional trauma. Over time, these experiences shape how children view family responsibility and this sometimes weakens the very bonds society later expects them to honour.
The social cost of broken bonds
When children grow up without parental care, protection or emotional security, the consequences extend far beyond the household. Long-term effects often include:
Mental health challenges
Conflict with authority and social institutions
Intergenerational cycles of family breakdown.
Cultural expectations and the burden of honour
In many African communities, strong cultural norms require children to honour and recognise their biological parents later in life, regardless of whether those parents were present during their upbringing. The tension becomes particularly visible when a child becomes financially independent or, for girls, when marriage discussions begin. In some cases, fathers who were absent throughout childhood reappear to claim their cultural entitlement to lobola.
For daughters raised by mothers, grandparents or other relatives, this can be deeply painful. Caregivers who bore the emotional and financial burden of raising the child may feel sidelined, while the young woman may experience the situation as exploitative rather than traditional. Instead of reinforcing family unity, such practices can breed resentment; both towards the absent parent and towards cultural expectations that appear to reward neglect. The result is often further fractured relationships and a deep sense of injustice among both the child and those who provided childhood care.
Most importantly, such cases remind us that family responsibility is built over time. Care, presence and support in a child’s life are what create the bonds that later translate to future duty.
Parents need to remember:
Respect and responsibility in old age, or even in death, cannot be demanded if they were never cultivated in childhood.
Behind every abandoned parent may be a child who once felt unseen, unsupported or unwanted. If society wants stronger family obligations tomorrow, it must confront parental neglect today because when children are abandoned early, the consequences do not end in childhood. Sometimes, they last a lifetime.
In Shona, there is a saying chirere mangwana chigokurerawo, meaning obligations change sides. Your child, the one you are neglecting today, will be your caregiver in the future, when you are no longer self-sustaining.
Parents are doing themselves a favour when they cultivate meaningful and responsible relationships with their children. When this happens, we teach today's children to care for themselves as parents and for future generations.
