ATTRACTION functions as a two-way mirror. We look outward and evaluate others, yet we rarely turn the glass toward ourselves and ask a more difficult question: What draws people toward me, and why?
The company we keep is not accidental. The conversations we entertain, the emotional tone we tolerate, and the roles we repeatedly assume reveal our level of emotional intelligence and self-awareness.
Emotional intelligence is commonly defined as the capacity to recognise, understand, regulate, and appropriately express one’s own emotions while also responding effectively to the emotions of others.
It is not a fancy psychological term, nor is it a decorative trait. It is a survival mechanism for modern relationships.
Many people operate with low emotional intelligence; they react rather than reflect, project rather than process, and seek validation rather than growth. If we lack self-awareness, we become magnets for dysfunction.
One common pattern is emotional trauma dumping, that are unsolicited, unprocessed emotional unloading disguised as vulnerability.
While empathy is virtuous, absorbing another’s unresolved pain without boundaries is not compassion; it is self-neglect. We must ask ourselves: Do I feel this because it is authentically mine, or because I am absorbing it out of misplaced empathy? Without this distinction, emotional exhaustion becomes inevitable.
Closely linked to this is people-pleasing. People-pleasers often attract those who take without replenishing.
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They overextend, overexplain, and overaccommodate, believing harmony must be purchased at the cost of self-respect.
As Brené Brown wrote, “Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.” Boundaries are not hostility; they are clarity. When we pour more than we possess, depletion is certain.
Strong, clear opinions also shape attraction. Individuals without defined convictions drift toward those who provide structure.
Conversely, those who communicate firm but respectful perspectives attract mutual respect. Ambiguity invites manipulation; clarity invites alignment. The people we engage with reflect our standards.
Growth demands that we observe rather than suppress negative emotions. Running from anger, envy, or disappointment does not eliminate them; it buries them.
Emotional intelligence requires us to examine these states, interact with them thoughtfully, and allow them to pass without impulsive reaction. As Viktor Frankl noted, “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response.” That space is where maturity develops.
Sometimes emotional boundaries must be reinforced with physical ones. Distance from draining environments or individuals is not a weakness; it is maintenance. We cannot strive while constantly in recovery mode. If we attempt to increase our productivity without increasing our self-awareness, we will collapse under stress. Survival mode may sustain life temporarily, but thriving requires deliberate growth.
Anything beyond survival does not occur naturally; it requires effort. Personal development is not automatic. We must strive intentionally. We can do so by cultivating discipline, reflection, and discernment. Carrying wounds as badges of honour may generate sympathy, but it does not generate healing. There is no trophy for resentment. Trauma may explain behaviour, but it should not excuse stagnation.
Ultimately, attraction reveals who we are becoming. If we consistently entertain chaos, we must question our tolerance for it. If we attract stability, perhaps we have cultivated it internally. The mirror does not lie. By increasing self-awareness, strengthening boundaries, and refining emotional intelligence, we shift what and who is drawn toward us.
Growth is not passive. It is chosen. And in choosing it, we transform both sides of the mirror.
