SUCCESS LIFE: Jonah Nyoni
Getting into marriage is like looking for honey. Honey is sweet, but when harvesting honey one should not forget that the bee will bite. Marriage is a great miracle that two people get into, but there is work involved to have a great marriage. The two people involved, need to understand that marriage is a symbiotic process, in which every member should pledge and put their effort.
As we celebrate love in this month I (JN) hunted down expert author and speaker, Tariro Mukunga (TM), who is going to help those intending to get into marriage.
JN: What is Dating and Courtship?
TM: The word “dating” comes from the idea of “setting a date,” to meet and get to know each other. Dating is when people have not proposed love to each other but find time together to know each other; knowing each other is the goal. However modern-day dating would be people who get in a relationship just for the fun of it and for selfish interests which might be dangerous at times. With courtship, this is a relationship between two people who have marriage as a goal and hence have each other in mind and do their best to prepare for marriage in the safest way possible.
JN: What should the unmarried person know about love languages
TM: In my book The Wisdom Garden I say, “We do not see things the way they are, but we see them the way we are.” Depending on how we are socialised, what one person understands to be love might not be what the other person they are in a relationship with will interpret to be love. It is important to know what the other person is expecting, when they feel they have received love. You might bring her flowers when she wants to be taken out. There are differing love languages.
JN: There are marked differences between men and women. What’s your advice to young people?
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TM: Young people need to understand that the basic needs of women in a relationship are different from those of men. Secondly, women generally relate emotionally while men relate logically. Neither is better, it’s the balance of the two that makes relationships special. To make it work one has to be wise and apply emotional intelligence by seeking first to understand the other person before one seeks to be understood.
JN: Marriage is not always rosy, it comes with roles and responsibilities. Could you brace us for that?
TM: Marriages need order hence every part has to understand their roles like provision and leadership for the man and nurturing and support from the woman. However, roles should never be cast in concrete as different circumstances and the volatile environment might compromise the roles. In such cases, the love for each other should sustain you through times of compromised roles. The man can be retrenched from work and temporally sees the role to provide compromised, the woman should play their supporting role and not allow temporary setbacks to weaken relationships that are meant to be permanent.
JN: I usually say one should be complete and successful alone. How can someone be single, yet a complete being?
TM: Being single from the very word itself means to be “separate, complete, unique, whole and without a sense of incompleteness, unworthiness or inferiority”. One has to be single in this sense before getting married and they have to stay single after being married. The idea of a “better half” where one seeks completion from the other person is dangerous for marriage. Most marriages fail because a husband or wife (or both) do not see themselves as unique, worthy individuals. In other terms, they have bad self-image and are not whole, or they are not complete on their own but always depending on somebody else to make them happy. A relationship is only as good as whatever the individuals involved brings to the table. Two people with positive self-worth will build a healthy relationship where none of the two will feel taken advantage of but sharing what either part has brought to the love table.
JN: Finally, What’s the original purpose of marriage from the original design?
TM: Marriage from the beginning is God’s idea. God made Adam a helper to fellowship with and be coheirs together. Adam was alone but not lonely. There was no one to share life with who was like him. The purpose of marriage is summarised therefore in these three: Sharing life together. In personal ownership, you can’t share therefore you can’t be selfish in marriage. Secondly, supporting each other mutually with both parties supplying to meet each other’s needs. Finally, honouring each other. Honour is the ability to discern the difference and be willing to reward it. It is the difference that both parties need to express themselves more, maximise their potential and lay ground for reproduction and growth.
Jonah Nyoni is an author, success coach and certified leadership/business trainer. He is the author of Inspiration for Success and Success Within Reach.
