Using your dating period wisely

There is so much at stake during the dating period and a lot of young people miss it by preoccupying themselves with little things that end up poisoning their relationships. There is need to help each other so we can at least enter into marriage with some basic understanding. I am sure that everyone is agreed that the dating period for those wanting to get into marriage should be used wisely — building a foundation for marriage. This week and in the few coming weeks I hope to share with all those who are dating or preparing for marriage. I want to believe this is appropriate as you all look forward to Valentine’s Day this month.



This group, both in the church and outside the church needs to be helped and so here we are this month suggesting to you a few things that will impact your relationship and future. I will give you both the don’ts and dos here to balance up things.

Do not be desperate
One enemy of sound pre-marital relationships is desperation by young people. Many of them are too desperate to get married.
There are many reasons for this desperation, but they are all not healthy. Some churches will put young people under pressure to marry without even much thought and consideration. Relatives will push you and tell you that you are now old and all your age mates are married.

Friends will also push you and you end up committing relationship suicide. Never be desperate for a date or to get married. Take your time and work on yourself. When you are desperate you end up settling for anything. I know of and have heard of many young people who got into marriage because of pressure from friends or relatives, who are now divorced or hurting. When you are desperate you do not choose. You behave like a hyena.

The first law of a hyaena is, “do not be choosy, eat what is available”. Marriage is not necessarily about availability. It is deeper than this. Do not make the mistake of thinking your life depends on the person you want to date. This is suicidal. Many ladies make this mistake. Many do not want to learn self-leadership and they think marriage is their career or something. How wrong my dear child. Unless you learn to succeed by yourself and lead yourself well, you will struggle in your relationship. This is what kills many relationships.

People who are seeking others to satisfy them and give them everything. Never be a beggar in a relationship otherwise you are walking into slavery. I mean 26 years old and you are so desperate. I expect you to be working and enjoying your own progress in life. At 19 years while others are at school developing themselves, you are already desperate for marriage. Marriage is not a rescue operation. You do not go into it weak and expect to be strong. Come on, work yourself first and be strong by yourself.

Have patience
Many young people these days are impatient. They are driven by feelings more than reality and logic and ignore the leading of the Holy Spirit. Many also do not want to take advice concerning relationships.

There is also a struggle in seeing the difference between love and lust. You date some body today and next month you are getting married because you cannot wait. Patience is a fruit of the Holy Spirit and I expect church youths to possess it in abundance. Jacob waited for 14 years to marry his sweetheart Rachel. Even if they had given him Leah, he never gave up until he got Rachel. If it was you and I, we would have said “okay” as long as Leah is a woman. You do not just marry any woman; you marry a woman or man you love. It’s not about being given but about Love. So be patient and work things out.

Dating is growing time
You are dating someone who is at school and you cannot even wait for them to finish and you are putting them under pressure to marry you because everyone in your circle is married. I think this is wrong. The person is working to improve themselves. Why not do something also to improve yourself? Stop putting that young man under pressure. Let him complete his course.

Complete yours too. Bringing only a beautiful face to marriage is not enough, beloved. Do you think for 14 years, Jacob was sitting down and complaining? He worked and became rich. That is what we should be doing during dating period. Mary and Joseph learnt to hear the voice of God during their dating time. What am I saying? Dating time is not for just going out and having ice-cream. It is a planning, improvement and growing time. It is a time to know each other and to discuss and plan together. It is a time for self-introspection. It is a time of learning and reading about marriage. You must be growing during this time and growing into marriage. Marriage is a lifetime commitment and must be entered into soberly and not wantonly.

●Kilton Moyo is creator of Fruitful Marriages, a renewal and enrichment program and is pastor, counselor and author of The Sex Trap. Call or whatsap on +263 775 337 207, +263 772 610 103 or

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