The media is awash with stories of domestic violence – husbands brutalising or maiming wives, and wives on the other hand also committing similar offences.
Report by Yvonne Gasura
Issues of gender-based violence (GBV) have taken centrestage at domestic and world forums, with no solution in sight.
GBV seems to be escalating despite the initiatives and policies crafted to curb the societal ill.
The media and most action groups often look at one side of the coin when dealing with matters concerning GBV instead of handling the issue holistically.
It is mostly viewed as violence against women and the girl-child. But then, what about violence against men? GBV has broken down gender barriers. Many men have been bashed, scalded with hot oil or water, verbally abused, harassed at work or cheated on by their spouses, but they do not usually come out when they face abuse.
Women can discuss openly and report issues pertaining to violence, while many men, on the other hand suffer silently.
Our society is patriarchal, which means households are headed by men and they are also expected to be leaders at the workplace and in society in general.
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According to our tradition, men should take care of and protect their families.
So when a man faces abuse, he finds it very difficult to report or simply come out in the open due to societal expectations.
Fear of stigma also forces men not to report cases of abuse. Men who face abuse are ridiculed by their peers and in turn the society looks down upon them whenever they seek advice from friends or relatives.
The emancipation of women has led to androgyny or reversal of roles in a number of households where women now earn more than their partners and have automatically gained the status of a breadwinner, a role traditionally meant for men.
Men’s traditional role of leading the family becomes ceremonial. Some of these men who live in female-headed homes face financial abuse from their wives or partners who do not provide for them.
A man would be too embarrassed to report such a case as society expects him to provide for his family, and not the other way round.
Being dependent on a woman would naturally make any proud man feel emasculated, vulnerable and have a low self-esteem. This can be compounded by a partner who is overbearing.
More and more women are turning to alcohol as they exercise their newly-found freedoms and financial independence. This in turn makes other women violent once inebriated.
Many a partner has been bashed after a drinking spree. Women of yesteryear were submissive to their partners and would not lift a finger when provoked.
But in today’s world, women do not hesitate to put on their boxing gloves and pummel an offending partner.
Men who were once viewed as symbols of power would not report this once the tables have turned, for fear this would be viewed as a sign of weakness.
How can a protector turn victim? When a man is beaten by his wife, people feel that he deserves it.
Women can be abusive – verbally or physically – and can also resort to emotional blackmail. Saying hurtful words to your partner is a form of abuse, no matter how they would have wronged you.
Words once spoken cannot be reversed and they can scar a partner and taint a relationship for life. Through words spoken in anger, one can make a man feel inadequate.
Depriving a man of his conjugal rights can also be another form of abuse. Women can deprive their husbands of their conjugal rights to get back at them when they are wronged or to get things done their way. Unfulfilled desires can make one feel unloved or unwanted and affect him emotionally and psychologically.
The workplace was once the domain of men, but now women are fiercely competing with men for jobs and leadership posts.
Women in power might feel challenged by subordinates and run the office with an iron fist. Come to think of the late former British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher, not to say she felt challenged, but she assumed the title Iron Lady because of her firmness.
Some tend to come down hard on men if they feel their authority is challenged. Some female bosses, like their male counterparts, also do not hesitate to ask for sexual favours from subordinates, which entails sexual harassment. Victims of sexual violence at the workplace rarely report such cases for fear of losing their jobs.
It is difficult for people to believe that men can be sexually assaulted by women because of their anatomy, so when this happens men refrain from reporting because they feel that no one would believe their story. The victim’s experience is trivialised by society’s beliefs.
Locally, a number of men have been gang-raped by women sperm harvesters, but how many have reported such incidents of violence? How many of these female rapists have been brought to book?
One man who was gang-raped by such women spent months in hospital, nursing wounds caused by a chemical agent used by the assailants to sexually arouse him.
The injuries to his private parts were horrific and the media dwelt on the physical scars left on this man. This ordeal also affected him emotionally and had an impact on his relationship with his family and peers, but nothing much was said about the perpetrators of such heinous crimes.
A soldier was also kidnapped in Birchenough Bridge in April last year and raped by female sperm harvesters. His ordeal lasted four days. After they were done with him they stoned his left leg, stole his money and cellphone and dumped him in the bush.
No demonstrations against such crimes have been staged. Were it a woman who had been violated in such a manner, there would have been an uproar with women organisations baying for the blood of the rapists.
This reminds us of the late sungura giant Tongai Moyo when his wife Barbara Muchengeti committed suicide in 2010 after Moyo had married Minenhle Mukweli.
Acres of space were made use of by women activists attacking Moyo.
We have read stories of housemaids, guardians, female relatives and neighbours who have abused underage boys. A number of boys have been “initiated into manhood” by these women.
Whenever issues pertaining to paedophilia are raised, images of older men preying on young innocent girls come to mind. Society tends to forget that women also infringe on children’s rights. There are female paedophiles out there preying on unsuspecting, trusting and innocent young boys.
Our nation seems to have normalised the abuse of boys and men by women because when perpetrators of the crime are arrested sentencing is light and does not match the crime. Somehow, people do not take into consideration how these young boys are affected and how they might be scarred for life.
How they will view and treat women as they grow up depends on how such cases are treated. If they do not get help they become potential abusers. How can a damaged man treat women and girls with respect?
Men also face violence from other men who either bully or sexually abuse them. There have been numerous cases in local courts of men or boys who have been sodomised, but most of these cases go unreported.
Men fear that they will be ridiculed by other men or lose their partners once they admit that they have been victims of sexual assault, worse still perpetrated by other men.
Men do need help as they also are also victims of GBV. They need to realise that anyone can be a victim.
They need to come out and make others aware of the social ill and assure other victims that they are not alone.
There are organisations such as Padare/Enkundleni and Varume Svinurai which help men and boys who are victims of GBV.
Perpetrators of GBV need to be brought to book, whether male or female.
As well, stiffer jail terms being advocated for should be applied without fear or favour.
