People are socialised, and express themselves differently. These differences could be a hindrance in a marriage relationship if not managed well.
Guest Columnist Kilton Moyo
As I have said in the days past that there are many things that work against the unity in marriage, talking too much is one of them and could be very destructive if not controlled.
There are some marriages and homes where one spouse talks everyone else to either boredom or rebellion.
I just think it is a frustrating thing to have a talkative or contentious spouse. I am praying for you and with you if you are in that situation. Words are powerful and dangerous and what more careless words that are deliberately aimed at your personhood and emotions by someone you love.
I think this is the saddest thing to happen in a marriage. You will agree with me that some spouses can really talk, all day long, all night long until you do not know what to do.
Proverbs 21:9 says that it is better to dwell in a corner of a housetop, than in a house shared with a contentious woman. This is repeated in Proverbs 25:24 as it is.
This shows the impact this behavior has on a marital relationship. Imagine staying on the roof of a house because your spouse is talking too much and talking vulgar for that matter.
This might sound simple, but we have many spouses who have left their matrimonial homes because they have been victims of too much talking.
The talkative spouse does not talk to you or with you. They talk at you. They are shouting, mocking, and despising your manhood or womanhood. Very few people can put up with such crushing words.
Elsewhere in Proverbs 21:19 the Bible makes it even look more severe by suggesting that it is better to dwell in the wilderness than with a contentious and angry woman. You began on the housetop, but eventually you are in the wilderness. I wonder how many spouses are in the wilderness because of this.
Talking too much at your spouse is not only a bad thing, but it destroys unity, love, peace and romance at home and pushes couples so apart to the point of separation and divorce.
Many marriages are victims of this unfortunate behaviour and it is up to the couples involved in this to choose to either reform or break. I will suggest a number of things here and if you have a spouse already in the wilderness, this might help you or if you’re a spouse in the wilderness and want to return home, this can also help you.
– The talkative spouse must choose to reform. No one can restrain a talkative spouse except themselves.
Trying to do so is like trying to restrain a strong wind. They have to realise they have a problem that causes more problems in their marriage and must then choose to fight the real problem. Most people who are victims of this verbal malfunction always blame others for their marital problems and they never take time to self-introspect and realise that talking too much is the main problem.
– The spouse who is in the wilderness should try to help the other spouse by seeking counsel for them. Most of the talkative spouses are also victims of some socialisation that did not go well in the past and they are talking the way they do as a defensive mechanism. However, this then is exaggerated and costs them because they are blind to the dangers of their behaviour. Most of them think they are normal.
– This habit can be de-learned as it was learnt. However, for one to do this, they must be willing to let go and reform. Every person has to learn how to practice control over their tongue. Failure to do this leads to a lot of misery as the tongue can destroy anything you are trying to build up. You are working well for sure to build up your marriage or family, but your tongue fails you.
Seek help to exercise some control over it. Perhaps he or she can return from the wilderness.
– Seeking to hurt or harm another person or the person we love by words or by other means is on its own a wrong spirit and it can be defeated by prayer and by choosing to speak words that edify rather than hurt.
You can also defeat this by remaining silent whenever you feel like shouting. It’s hard to de-learn an old habit but one need to be determined to do so lest you are losing everything that you so love.
You have the potential to change your circumstances and you can do it if you choose to.
Speak love and not hurt. Speak hope and not despair. May your words encourage and give life to your marriage and spouse.
Kilton Moyo is a pastor, guidance and counselling consultant and author of Responding to Personal Crisis. You can call or WhatsApp him on 0775 337 207/ 0712 384 841.