MUCKRAKER: A reeling campaign and leaky police

Not only is leaking police communication against police protocols, allowing the opposition to do their work in peace is also a serious act of misconduct.

AN investigation is being launched in government to weed out those people who are campaigning for Nelson Chamisa by banning his rallies and giving him free marketing.

For a while now, the reeling party has been telling the nation that we are not scared of any candidate in this alleged election.

With such a strong record since we came riding to Munhumutapa atop an armoured personnel carrier, we do not need to stop anyone from campaigning. We are certain that he will simply be ignored by voters, who are obviously more impressed by our achievements than fanciful promises of bullet trains and all that.

Why should the party fear him, really? Have we not built our people a new parliament building? Have we not built a shiny new airport? What more would the people want?

Clearly, someone in the system is working against our candidate by blocking this useless boy Chamisa for no reason and giving him free publicity.

Leaky police force

Instead of investigating the Western-sponsored moles who are campaigning for Chamisa by pretending to be defending the revolutionary party, our police force announced a different kind of investigation this week.

A memo, in which our leadership asked the police to pretend to be doing their jobs and not bar anyone from campaigning, somehow found its way into the idle hands of journalists. The leak, naturally, did not please some people. A statement by the Zimbabwe Republic Police announced that there will be a probe to find the culprit responsible for the leak.

“The ZRP advises the public and the media that the leaked memorandum was a communication guide which was meant for police commanders not for public or media consumption,” the world’s finest police force announced.

“We do not condone leakage of internal memoranda by unruly elements within the system. The ZRP is now conducting investigations with the view of identifying the culprit and finding the motive behind.”

The police needed to go further and state that, for the record, it is against police policy to do their jobs. Not only is leaking police communication against police protocols, allowing the opposition to do their work in peace is also a serious act of misconduct.

Humorous Mnangagwa

In case people were beginning to forget who to blame for the country’s ills, our owner, President Emmerson Mnangagwa, was on hand to remind the nation.

Speaking to alleged supporters at a rally last weekend, Mnangagwa said he had a list of culprits. These people, he told the visibly disinterested masses, were behind the price hikes that have suspiciously happened just as we head towards elections.

“This was done by people who wanted to make the people turn away from the government,” said Mnangagwa. He told the businesses that he was giving them a week to come to their senses.

“So, you have seven days to make corrections. Either you are with us or against us. If you are with us, we will support you and give you leeway to do business. If you are against us, your business will crumble.”

We remember a time when a list of alleged “externalisers” was published in 2018, leading to nowhere. Muckraker also remembers a time when we were told that the man is “pro-business”. What a humourous nation we are.

Overdue clarity

Just when people were wondering if this election can be called an election at all, Nick Mangwana was on hand to provide some overdue clarity — as usual.

He reminded the world that everything was in place for a free and fair election, the likes of which have never been seen in the universe.

“The voters’ roll is out, campaigning is free, the media is free, everyone has access to voters. Even the surveys are out. Let the people decide,” Mangwana said.

That everyone is campaigning freely must have come as a surprise even to Zanu PF, let alone the opposition. As for the country having a free media, those at Dead BC must have looked at each other with great shock at this revelation.

Poor Mhako

Speaking of the country’s favourite broadcaster, it was a delight seeing senior reporter Regis Mhako in the spirit — literally — as he covered the latest gala in Karoi last weekend.

Someone decided to send him on stage to conduct a thoroughly entertaining interview with Anyway Mutambudzi, a higher-up in the president’s dry-as-a-rock communications team. Poor Mhako was up to his gills in the liquid stuff and could barely stand, let alone speak probably, drawing a beady eye from Mutambudzi.

One report quoted the Karoi mayor, Albert Matsika, saying “we have been preparing for the gala since the day of the announcement”. It is quite clear that Mhako had been drinking since then.

One has to commiserate with poor Mhako, to be fair. Not many of us can conduct such a tough job without being driven to the bottle. Lying consistently, each and every night, needs one to be lubricated just enough to make the job easier.

Unreformed ‘Tyson’

The nation sends its sympathies to one Saviour “Tyson” Kasukuwere, whose dream of becoming our next owner came crashing down at the feet of a High Court judge this week.

It was ruled that Kasukuwere had stayed too long in exile to deserve to be our new overlord. Muckraker is no lawyer, but, from the little that one could decipher from the ruling, there was some stuff to do with a passport and doctor’s appointments in South Africa.

However, Muckraker has a good memory, and remembers one rally when Kasukuwere, while campaigning for Terence Mukupe in Harare, said the country did not need any judiciary or electoral reforms.

“(Morgan) Tsvangirai is going around saying he wants reforms. What reforms? I want to tell him that he will never ever see the reforms that he is dreaming about. He can go to hell and go hang,” he said.

Now, if only some people had campaigned for reforms, they would not be throwing hisses from a distance over the judgment. We guess, while Morgan never saw the reforms he was dreaming about, neither will Tyson ever see the power he has been dreaming about.

Stone thrower

It was reported that a man has been arrested in Harare after throwing stones at our owner’s passing motorcade.

According to a report: “A Harare man accused of throwing stones at President Mnangagwa’s motorcade has been remanded in custody to July 24 pending mental examination. Benjamin Mupombwe (30) of Epworth appeared yesterday before magistrate Dennis Mangosi and was referred to two psychiatrists for mental examination.”

Examining the man’s mental state is hardly fair. He simply actioned what a lot of cowards imagine themselves doing. The most remarkable story about this entire episode is that the man did what he did and is actually alive and still able to walk and talk. Clearly, our security forces are losing their culture.

Mayweather homecoming

The nation welcomes news of the arrival of Floyd “Money” Mayweather, the boxing champion who is visiting the nation, on the invitation of gold baron Scott Sakupwanya. No doubt, his arrival is a massive victory for our engagement and re-engagement thrust.

According to the Herald: “As part of his three-day visit to Zimbabwe, he will spend the better part of Thursday mixing and mingling with Mabvuku folk at the Number 1 Grounds before wrapping up the day with a dinner being hosted for him at Meikles Hotel courtesy of Better Brands Jewellery, a company fronted by Sakupwanya.”

As many people who follow sports know, Mayweather is a man who likes to flaunt his wealth and can barely read. This means he will be right at home hanging out with Scott.

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