Of First Family fluff, bootlickers and Obert Mpofu the comedian

Owen “Mudha” Ncube — the former State Security minister is so renowned for his peaceful ways that he goes by the obviously soft-as-wool moniker “Touch Bomber”

The people of the Midlands were recently left in shock after a senior Zanu PF official announced at a rally that voters should not vote for people who are not democratic.

Owen “Mudha” Ncube — the former State Security minister is so renowned for his peaceful ways that he goes by the obviously soft-as-wool moniker “Touch Bomber” — was addressing a rally ahead of alleged by-elections recently. According to the man, Zanu PF has nothing to do with the recalls led by that chap Sengezo Tshabangu. The whole mess is because nobody in the opposition CCC has a say on how the party is run, save for the leader and his top lieutenants.

“This means there is no democracy in CCC,” said Ncube. “It is a party with no ideology.”

This came as a shock to the gathered crowd. For them, a party with no respect for democracy and no discernible ideology is exactly what they have been told to support all along. Now, suddenly, a lack of democracy is a bad thing? Since when? A very confusing state of affairs.

Mutsvangwa marvel

Chris Mutsvangwa, the spokesman who swallowed all the dictionaries of the world while guns were blazing during the war, has been weighing in on the matter of the Israel-Palestine war.

First, he praised South Africa, who have brought Israel before the International Court of Justice.

“Wasn’t it a source of pride yesterday (Thursday) to see South African jurists presenting their case in solidarity with the Palestinians at the International Court of Justice?” said Mutsvangwa.

Obviously, it is a marvel to anyone to see a country with a visible foreign policy, when you come from a country with none.

Then Mutsvangwa went on: “No act justifies genocide or genocidal tendencies. The most unfortunate thing is that it is even the leadership which has been making some strange statements to justify why they should do that to a population.”

We commend journalists for asking Mutsvangwa to talk about genocide. It is always commendable to ask people who have experience in a matter.

Riveting journalism

The nation has once again been reminded that we are in very good hands, after it was reported that the Mother of the Nation sat on a reed mat and lectured some on errant parenting. Recently, videos emerged of some naughty kids ambling about, up to their eyeballs in alcohol.

There was widespread outrage in the country, which is known for heavy drinking. Many people clutched their rosaries and prayed for a guiding hand to lead us from this moral decay. Their prayers were answered in no time.

According to an alleged news report in the Sunday Mail: “It was a soul-searching meeting with the hallmarks of warmth when First Lady Dr Auxillia Mnangagwa sat down for a first-of-its-kind motherly talk with parents and children who hogged the limelight for the wrong reasons when they were caught on video while taking alcohol at Juru Growth Point and in Mbare, Harare, during the festive season.”

The paper had more riveting journalism, adding: “Sitting on reed mats, Dr Mnangagwa and her counselling team drawn from all the country’s provinces, sought to understand what really transpired and map a positive way forward. It emerged that most of the affected children’s parents were commercial sex workers, single mothers and beer drinkers who openly admitted to not having time with their children. They, however, undertook to change their ways.”

This is hardly surprising. Any normal person who is forced to listen to Dr Amai for hours on end is bound to change their ways.

Bootlicking sweepstakes

It is not only the state media hacks working hard in the bootlicking sweepstakes. Denford Mutashu, who claims to lead an outfit called the Confederation of Zimbabwe Retailers, has been in the finest form of his bootlicking career.

Over recent months, the man has whined about how government policies have been bad for traders and retailers. Well, thankfully for all of us, the man seems to have seen the light. He has written a very long statement, praising the country’s current owner.

“Since the consummation of the Second Republic, President Dr ED Mnangagwa has shown exceptional leadership, unwavering commitment and tireless dedication to the well-being and progress of our great nation,” Mutashu gushed.

He had more fluff, adding: “Mnangagwa’s visionary approach to governance has fostered an environment of stability and unity. The President’s steadfast focus on economic growth and development has yielded remarkable results … he has spurred job creation, boosted productivity and enhanced the overall prosperity of the nation.”

Even Mnangagwa himself, we are sure, was shocked to hear that he has exceptional leadership, or that the economy is stable, or that he has created any jobs at all.

Comedic Mpofu

Muckraker was delighted to read a recent opinion article penned by one Obert Mpofu. There was so much hilarity in the piece, it was hard to pick which one was the funniest.

First, there was this gem: “Our economy has become so diverse and is experiencing such an explosion of success that even our detractors cannot deny it anymore.”

One suspects he was only talking about the explosion in his bank account.

Then there was this one, in which he lectured the Americans: “It is obvious that Joe Biden is weaponising the law against a stronger opponent, who stands a greater chance of defeating him in the upcoming elections.”

He needed to remind the Americans that we don’t like competition in such things.

But the best was right at the end of the piece. According to the paper description of the writer, “Obert Mpofu is an academic …” People should quit their jobs and go into comedy. They are wasting talent writing in newspapers. The world needs to hear their jokes.

Of name change, colours

Much to everyone’s relief, it was reported that reports that the CCC is to change its name to the Democratic Alternative of Zimbabwe were false. This, just on the eve of the party’s alleged second anniversary, would have caused much celebration at Shake Shake Headquarters.

We are sure that the Drinkers Association of Zimbabwe, of which Muckraker was once a leading member, was already preparing a court appeal to demand our name back. Not to mention that the blue colour would have angered soccer lovers in half of the country.

Meanwhile, Promise Mkwananzi, the CCC spokesman, has been practising hard to be the next George Charamba.

“The party, under President Nelson Chamisa has grown in leaps and bounds, to become the biggest and leading party in Zimbabwe and in the region,” Mkwananzi said. The man will give Mutashu a hard run for his money.

Obviously, he is rehearsing for a job in government, where such vacuous sycophancy is a job qualification.

A different kind of apple

Muckraker was amused to read an article in which a bright Arundel School student, Jade Jewel Wadyajena, spoke of her delight after scoring 15 points in her A-level Cambridge examinations.

She just so happens to be the daughter of Justice Wadyajena, a former Zanu PF MP known for fast cars and for annoying his neighbours.

The young lady was quoted as saying: “I recognised that coming from a political family was not going to help me in the exam room. So, I put my head down and focused on my academic and personal development.”

Clearly, here is one apple that fell far, far from the tree.

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