My Dear People,
It is truly a marvel, is it not, how the political theatre in our teapot-shaped country manages to outdo itself with every passing week?
I sit here, observing the chaos from a distance—as one does when one has seen it all—and I find myself wondering if we have finally reached the point where the ink used to sign our laws has been replaced by the grease of a businessman’s palm.
Take, for instance, this latest absurdity involving Constitution of Zimbabwe Amendment Bill (No.3), or CAB3 for those of you who prefer your legislative erosion in acronyms.
We are told that a war veteran, one Reuben Zulu, has been forced to approach the High Court to halt the final processing of this Bill.
Why, you ask? Because it appears our esteemed legislators have discovered a new way to exercise their democratic duty: the “cash and keys” method.
According to court papers, the National Assembly’s vote on CAB3 has been tainted by the sudden, miraculous appearance of luxury vehicles and stacks of greenbacks.
Zulu alleged that Samantha Murenyanyi and Remigious Matangira — honourable members, or so their titles suggest—received Toyota Fortuner vehicles and US$50 000 for “constituency projects”.
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One must admire the efficiency of it all. Who needs the tedious process of debate and public consultation when you can simply hand out car keys in the car park?
As Zulu quite poignantly put it: “The constitution cannot be amended by cash and keys.” Kikikikikiki
He argued that a constitutional majority cannot be composed of votes that were “bought, rewarded, [or] induced.”
It is a quaint idea, isn’t it? The notion that an MP should recuse themselves when they are driving a bribe to the polling booth.
Zulu is seeking an interim interdict to stop the certification of this “contaminated vote” before the harm becomes permanent.
He wants a fresh vote, but only after an inquiry into these “inducements.”
It is a case of “profound public importance,” he says, questioning whether the law will permit our parliamentary process to be turned into a mere “reward scheme.”
Munopengaaaaaaaaaaa
While the elites are busy counting their coins and admiring their new leather interiors, my heart goes out to the thousands of our children currently caught in the crosshairs of hostility in South Africa.
The deadline of June 30 has passed, and anti-immigrant groups have made their intentions clear through protests and isolated acts of violence.
The government has finally scrambled into action, deploying dozens of buses from Cape Town, Port Elizabeth, Johannesburg, and Durban to ferry returnees to the Beitbridge border post.
Joji, ever the diligent scribe, has been busy tracking these bus movements.
We are told that hundreds are being processed at the Old Chancery and Power House in Johannesburg, while about 1 000 more wait at the Epping Repatriation Centre in Cape Town.
Joji is very emphatic about one thing: the funding. He insists these operations are “wholly funded by the government of Zimbabwe.”
Yet, as is always the case in our corridors of power, the story is never quite so simple.
Only days ago, the sanctioned businessman Kuda Tagwirei and his wife Sandra pledged US$1 million through their Bridging Gaps Foundation to support the repatriation of up to 20 000 people.
The Ministry of Local Government even formally acknowledged this pledge in a letter.
But now, the government seems keen to erase that particular footnote.
Joji has taken to social media to clarify that the Tagwireis have only “pledged,” and until that money reaches the state, it doesn’t exist in the official narrative.
It is a fascinating game of political positioning, is it not? One wonders if the “patriotic intervention” of a businessman is only welcome when it doesn't overshadow the state’s own supposed benevolence.
Munopengaaaaaaaa
And then there is Temba , who never misses an opportunity to remind us that the Zanu PF “homwe” (pocket) is becoming rather crowded with “criminals, con-artists, blackmailers, and fraudsters.”
Temba a is currently up in arms against a certain Tungwarara, whom he accuses of using car and cash donations to neutralise dissenting voices.
He speaks of “collusion” and “manufactured audios,” and even brings up the suspicious acquisition of a farm belonging to the late national hero Nathan Shamuyarira’s Trust.
It seems the “name-dropping” and the disappearance of police dockets are the standard operating procedures for those who have “snaked their way into the cosy presence” of the high and mighty.
What a sad state of affairs when reconciliation is used as a mask to reward proxies, and when the first step towards political reform is not repentance, but rather the “sanitising [of] nonsense with rewards.”
Whether it is cars for constitutional votes or pledges for repatriated citizens, the currency of our politics remains the same: influence, bought and sold.
Until next time, keep your keys close and your constitutions closer.
Munopengaaaaaaa
Stop It!
Dr Amai (PhD, Fake)
