Muckraker: Old Obert is, in fact, telling the truth and nothing but the truth

Zanu PF secretary for administration Obert Mpofu

As expected, our owner returned with something tangible from his recent sojourn to that mecca of African democracy and progress, Malabo, in Equatorial Guinea.

Like all other African leaders who go to Malabo, President Emmerson Mnangagwa was given keys to his own special villa. But there was an even bigger gift: electoral advice from Teodoro Obiang Nguema Mbasogo.

He told our current owner: “You cannot be in power and lose an election. Use the power you have to win the election. The opposition might make noise and say whatever, but when you are in power you cannot lose an election. Make sure you win the election.”

Who better to provide such electoral expertise than Obiang? The man is an expert in the field. Unlike our leader who scraped through with just over half of the vote, Obiang won his elections with a thundering 95% of the vote. Let the opposition make noise about getting their rallies banned. We will listen to Obiang, not them.

Zanu PF’s job

Speaking of opposition activists, it was reported this week that some of them had attacked Zanu PF supporters in Gokwe. This cannot be tolerated, the reeling party told the world.

Tafadzwa Mugwadi, a man who believes that looking angry is part of the job description of being a spokesman, condemned this dastardly act of political violence against his party.

He thundered: “We condemn in strongest terms, the violence meted against our supporters in Gokwe by Mr Chamisa’s CCC hooligans. That has no place in our society. We appeal to the law enforcement agents to deal with these culprits decisively. The violent DNA of CCC has no place in our society at all.”

He is right. We cannot allow the CCC to go around dispensing violence to its opponents. We cannot have any other party stealing Zanu PF tactics. The opposition must not be allowed to beat people up. That is Zanu PF’s job.

Generous Mushohwe

The nation was plunged into mourning this week after the death of Chris Mushohwe, a former minister in our great government.

Mushohwe used to run the Presidential Scholarship Scheme. This was a special fund meant to benefit poor students to study at universities. It was not meant for the children of chefs, who have enough spare change lying around in their houses to be able to afford tuition at top universities around the world, because their parents are patriotic.

But, one has to trust Obert Mpofu for always telling the nation the truth. He has never lied to the nation, our Obert. Leading a large delegation of large Zanu PF chefs to the Mushohwe home, Mpofu described how generous Mushohwe had been with the scholarships.

“Most of us here have had our children going through his hands (under the Presidential Scholarship Scheme,” said Obert.

What a generous man he was. Where would Zanu PF babies be without Mushohwe bending the rules in their favour? No doubt he was declared a national hero.

Remember Kondozi?

Still at the Mushohwe residence, the president said of the man: “He was a very honest, transparent and sociable man.”

Somebody should wake up old Joseph Msika so he can hear this humour and laugh himself hoarse. One time, after Mushohwe had decided to invade Kondozi Farm, Msika described him and other Mugabe minions like Jonathan Moyo as “immoral little boys”.

At the time, Msika was the chairperson of the Cabinet Committee on Land Reform. He was being accused of selling out for refusing to describe the theft of equipment from farms as land reform.

Muckraker recalls an incident in which Joice Mujuru, then the deputy owner of the country, toured Kondozi Farm. There, she met one Colonel Ronnie Mutizhe, the deputy army commander of 3 Brigade, who was now in charge of the farm. He told her that some patriotic ministers had stolen equipment from the farm.

“The maize wilted because we no longer have irrigation equipment,” said Mutizhe. Mujuru asked the man to name the culprits, and he said: “It’s not something I can say in public, Your Excellency, I need to discuss it with you in private.”

Mujuru insisted: “Let the cameras roll, I want you to tell me now what happened to the equipment.”

Mutizhe then said: “The pump was taken by Minister Mushohwe. He has not returned it since.”

What a “very honest, transparent” man this was.

Learning from them

There have been the usual noises from the usual quarters after our patriotic parliament passed the PVO Bill. We are told that now that we have passed this Bill, we will all go hungry because donors will suddenly pull out.

We even had a group of United Nations rapporteurs — or shall we call them saboteurs — coming into the country to tell us that we must not go ahead with this law. They are worried that the law will give the registrars of these so-called charities “powers to intervene in and monitor the activities of PVOs”.

They then make an offer: “We stand ready to assist the government to revise the Amendment Bill to ensure compliance with international human rights norms and standards.”

Let them go and read a bit more. We are only copying what other leading democracies like us are doing. Britain’s Charity Act, for instance, has a Charity Commission which has the power to “disqualify a person” from holding office in an NGO. They can even fire a charity’s leaders and appoint an “interim manager”. So, now that we are doing it, is it suddenly a crime?

We, therefore, urge these UN “experts” to take their concerns to Britain. We are just learning from them, as our colonial masters.

It’s silly season everyone!

Muckraker was delighted to read about the manifesto of one Devine Muhambi Hove, a member of the widely respected Political Actors Dialogue. He leads a party called the Nationalist Alliance for Patriots.

If the people vote for him, as obviously they should, he promises one big thing.

“Every rural homestead should be compensated for colonisation. So, our first and starting point is that every rural homestead should be given US$20 000, which is not negotiable,” he said.

Of course, some nonsensical haters will point out that with over 60% of the population living in the rural areas, he would need to bankrupt the country and borrow offshore before he can afford that sort of largesse. They will ask silly questions like “where will he get the money from” and so forth. But why ask silly questions? It is the silly season in the country. Alleged politicians are allowed to be sillier than usual. This is just the beginning. Soon, some will be promising even more fanciful things like electricity and jobs.

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