Thank God, Muckraker recovering from recent ‘vene vayo’ rib crackers!

Zimsec said the papers circulated on social media were the work of “fraudsters who want to rip off unsuspecting candidates

IT was reported this week that the family of our previous owner wisely spirited a few coins across the border in the days leading up to a change of ownership back in 2017.

According to some South African news outlet, leaked bank documents show that someone moved money to South Africa as tanks rolled into Harare’s traffic on their way to replace the criminals surrounding Robert Mugabe with new ones.

Says the report: “Other tantalising entries in the Caydees books include a ‘BC Mugabe’, reflecting the initials of Robert Mugabe’s youngest son Bellarmine Chatunga Mugabe. Thirteen payments totalling just shy of R10 million (US$530 000) were made to this individual during the tumultuous lead-up to the ouster of the elder Mugabe from power in November 2017.”

And yet some illiterate cheerleaders among us were recently telling us that the boy was the best one of the family because he has not been seen at Zanu PF and government events, like his siblings and mom. Clearly, the reason has not shown up is because he is busy chowing his inheritance.

What a scoop

This week, the Herald, the world’s best newspaper, had a scoop. It told us that Nelson Chamisa, the man who leads the opposition Citizens Coalition for Change, has been trying for years to have a dialogue with the President.

What a crime!

The paper says Chamisa’s efforts to talk to the President “collapsed as they were predicated on deceit, dishonesty and double standards”.

The paper’s sole source was President Mnangagwa’s spokesperson, George Charamba, who is known in the government corridors as the person you tell things when you don’t want to keep them confidential. Charamba, curiously, tells us that Chamisa tried to get to the President via the country’s deputy owner, VP Constantino Chiwenga.

“Naively, Chamisa believed that he could play a divide and negotiate approach, the VP then briefed the President, and to test his sincerity, the President gave the overtures the greenlight to tag along and see how far Chamisa would go. Chamisa soon realised that the Vice-President was not going to be his interlocutor,” Charamba is quoted as saying to himself in the article.

At least those who have always been in the deputy owner’s camp are coming out to work hard. No more “deceit, dishonesty and double standards” from those who have been pretending to be in “Number One’s” camp.

A comically lily-livered way for one’s minions to launch your campaign.

‘Home’ ground Rwanda

In sports news, the Warriors, the senior national soccer team, is to play its home match in Rwanda. This is because Zimbabwe, which we hear is the region’s fastest growing economy, does not have a single working stadium.

Fifa banned our stadiums because they allegedly do not meet international standards, as if those matter in this country. This ban means that our players have to fly abroad to play “home” matches.

A report said: “The Warriors are due to play Rwanda in their opening Group C match during the November international break before hosting Nigeria a few days later. Zifa’s normalisation committee is now reported to be seriously considering keeping the Warriors in Rwanda for the Nigeria match than fly back.”

We heard noises from unimportant Zimbabweans saying not having a stadium is an embarrassment to the country. An embarrassment? To who? Do these Western-funded fools really think our owners are embarrassed by anything at all? Since when?

Besides, if a stadium is good enough to host a rally, it is good enough. Period.

Exam leaks

This week, secondary school pupils started writing their O-level examinations, so that they can pass with flying colours, go to college and qualify for the millions of jobs we have created in the Second Republic.

Reports say some exam papers leaked. It should be noted that cheating is not a crime. As our President himself told a conference of business executives recently, cheating can land you in office.

The Zimbabwe Schools Examination Council (Zimsec) said the papers circulated on social media were the work of “fraudsters who want to rip off unsuspecting candidates”.

Look, if anyone earning US$200 a month is offered an equivalent amount to “leak” a paper, then it is obvious they will become one of those “fraudsters”. Exam papers are always going to leak under those circumstances.

At this rate, our kids, like our soccer players, will have to write their exams in Rwanda.

A rib cracker

Muckraker is still recovering from cracked ribs after watching videos from a conference where business executives were begging politicians to see sense.

Nigel Chanakira, the banker, was on a panel that included Chris Mutsvangwa. After listening to Mutsvangwa boast about talking to a Chinese billionaire to invest in Zimbabwe, Chanakira begged for leaders to share the cake with the masses.

Moaned Chanakira: “We are saying guys did well, you fought the war, but you are hurting us. You say a country is built by vene vayo (its own people). Are we not vene vayo?”

What a rib cracker. Surely, by now, Chanakira should who know “vene vayo” is. Is he a member of Zanu PF? No. Is he related to the owners of the country in any way? No way. So why does he think he has any say in this country?

Some people never learn.

Whining ZCC

The nation was alarmed by a useless statement from the Zimbabwe Council of Churches (ZCC) this week, which is still whining about the long-gone elections. The ZCC is complaining that some alleged MPs have been recalled by the alleged interim secretary-general of an alleged party.

Said ZCC: “The recalls pose a threat to democracy as this could lead to consolidation of power which contradicts the key democratic tenets.”

Of course, we expect these pastors to side with one of their own, who has been running for office to be the country’s next owner. When he wins, he will abolish the constitution and replace it with the Bible.

The national anthem will be banned and replaced with Pentecostal church hymns. Any economic decline under his rule will be blamed on demons and the solution would be to force all of us to fast.

Hell, drunkards may even be jailed for partaking in the evil waters. All these seedy nightclubs will be shut down and turned into houses of prayer and worship.

Do these pastors think we can’t see what they are playing at?

African brothers

It was a delight to hear that a delegation of the African Union (AU) Peer Review Mechanism Mission was in town on a three-day visit. They are here on the invitation of our government.

We all know that our government is known for welcoming peer reviews from its African brothers, unless they are from Sadc.

Most interesting was that the AU delegation is headed by Egyptian diplomat, Aly El-Hefny, who said the mission was in Zimbabwe “to assess various issues on governance, democracy and good corporate governance”.

Lest it be forgotten, Egypt is a role model for democracy. Just recently, a talkative journalist, Hisham Kassem, was jailed for asking too many questions.

The Egyptian diplomat will be shocked to hear that Zimbabwe has one or two “political prisoners”.

In Egypt, according to rights groups, there are more than 60 000 political prisoners. Many are tortured to death for fun.

It is always good to be peer-reviewed by such groups.

Of Christian values

Just when a lot of people accused the press of never publishing the good news that happens in the country, the Herald reported this week that VP Chiwenga had attended the birthday party of his former school teacher.

Chiwenga was quoted as saying: “The teachers were God-fearing and that helped instil enduring Christian values in us at a very tender age.”

We are yet to see evidence of the said “enduring Christian values”, but we remain hopeful.

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