Muckraker- Zim: New Dispensation or Dislocation

President Emmerson Mnangagwa

THE entire nation is still recovering from massive celebrations at the weekend, when patriots from all around the country descended on Chipinge to launch the reeling party’s new set of fibs.

Zanu PF launched its campaign for the 2023 elections, where it hopes to be given the mandate to eat for another five years. The Herald, a newspaper that is used all around the world in media classes as an example of quality journalism, was not found wanting in reporting on the successes of the New Dispensary, or is it the New Dislocation, or whatever it is they call it over there.

“In less than five years, the Zanu PF government has lifted millions out of poverty into prosperity,” the newspaper said, praising our owner President Emmerson Mnangagwa.

News that Zanu PF has lifted millions of Zimbabweans out of poverty must have been received with all forms of shock by its supporters in Chipinge, as they stampeded for free fried chicken and loaves of bread.

Brain not brawn

The Sunday Mail had some really good advice for political parties who are running in this election. According to the paper, both Zanu PF and the opposition need to sell themselves to the electorate through solid policies.

The paper’s editorial listed what it said was Mnangagwa’s massive successes, then said “but a lot of work still needs to be done, which means Zanu PF needs to further sell itself to the electorate to guarantee five more years in power”.

For the opposition, they “have the onus to prove to the same constituency that they have credible, viable and plausible alternative policies that can better what the Zanu PF government has, is and will do.”

The paper then said of the opposition: “We expect brain, not brawn, from them”.

That’s right. The opposition should leave “brawn” to Zanu PF. They are more skilled in that field.

We are not hungry

In a country that is overflowing with food, the nation must be shocked by some news this week that some silly foreign governments want to feed our people. Did our owner not tell us that we are now food secure? That we don’t need any food from anyone?

According to reports, our all-weather friends, China, have lined up a donation of grain to feed Zimbabweans. They are not the only ones, it has also been reported that the Americans are also doing the same through USAid, an organisation that pretends to feed people around the world.

USAid, it was reported, has pledged US$8,7 million for aid for food-insecure Zimbabwean households. The money will be channeled through World Food Programme (WFP), another Western-led organisation that likes to feed hungry people for no reason.

Recently, the Zimbabwe Vulnerability Assessment Committee report, which is done by our own people, told us that 38% of the rural population will be cereal insecure during the peak lean season this year.

It is at times like this that Muckraker misses our old, deceased owner, Robert Mugabe. Once, he addressed a rally of hungry people and told these NGOs to stop interfering with their food. “We are not hungry, why foist this food on us?”

Of course, by “we”, he was speaking on behalf of the hungry.

Frequent jet traveller

One person who is enjoying the fruit of the land is Mnangagwa, a frequent visitor to the country he is supposed to lead.

Recently, he bought himself a new jet, and he has been flying to as many places as possible. First, within a few days, the man flew to Mozambique. He then made a quick stop in Zimbabwe just to make sure he was still the President there. He also flew to Ghana, where he discussed other people’s growing economies. He again came home for a few minutes in the restroom, before going to Angola.

The Falcon 7X is a fine machine. It has a transatlantic range of over 11000 kilometres, which means our leader can now go anywhere he wants. 

The plane’s website also says: “Luxury pampered passengers spend their travel time in comfort and style. This combination of luxury and cutting-edge technology makes the Falcon 7X coveted by frequent private jet travellers around the world”.

No doubt our “frequent private jet traveller” is having a good time. He will be flying to more places. We assume he is doing all this traveling to show it to other leaders, just like we all used to do as kids when we got a new toy for Christmas. Everyone had to see it. We are sure our deputy owner can hardly wait for his turn to ride the toy.

Looking for criminals

Meanwhile, it is not only Mnangagwa who has his head stuck in the clouds. Also on cloud cuckoo land are Saviour Kasukuwere and his minions. They have been busy this week, rummaging through rubbish bins for supporters.

His outfit has made a desperate call to people who were spat out by other parties to join them.

“Aspiring MPs, councillors, organisers from any political party who are now side-lined due to party politics get in touch with our teams,” Kasukuwere’s spokesperson said, sounding like the local sabhuku standing atop the village hill and announcing the next beer drink.

When they heard that the opposition CCC was chasing after 41 fraudsters who had stolen signatures to nominate themselves, the crew was quick to pounce. “Can the 41 affected CCC candidates get in touch.”

A party looking for criminals to join its ranks is hardly surprising. By scrounging around the political dustbins, looking for criminals to surround himself with, our Saviour is providing evidence that he is ready to lead a Zanu PF faction.

Clowns with many fans

Another reject was making news this week. One Paddington Japajapa came out to tell the world that he had ditched the CCC and he was now joining Zanu PF.

His decision, the man told The Herald, was taken because Nelson Chamisa, leader of the CCC, was “centralising power”. It was good seeing the paper taking the man seriously all of a sudden. Not so long ago, the same paper called Japajapa a “notorious attention-seeker” who tells lies for a living.

The paper reported previously that Japajapa “is an MDC-Alliance functionary known for vilifying Zanu PF”. Suddenly, he is a credible source of news on what is happening in the opposition.

The last time we heard from Japajapa, he was claiming that Chamisa had won the election, using evidence that “Chamisa was pulling more than 40 000 people (to rallies) and now we are seeing a different scenario altogether”.

He was a hero to opposition supporters then. Now, suddenly, CCC supporters tell us that the chap is delusional, something that anyone who has had the misfortune of coming across Japajapa has known all along. No wonder this country is overrun by clowns. They have too many fans.

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