Muckracker: Scramble for the gravy train begins

Mike Bimha

THE nation is currently in the grips of excitement as thousands of new looters have applied to join the gravy train.

We hear that the party has been overwhelmed by the large number of hungry patriots who have applied to represent the party in the forthcoming alleged elections. According to the Herald of absolute truth, it is a “record number”, with over 4 000 nomination papers. In some cases, we hear, there are more than 10 candidates pushing for one National Assembly ticket.

Inebriated political experts at the local bar tell Muckraker that, by their calculations, Zanu PF at this time appears to have more candidates than supporters. Who would not want to be a candidate? Who would want to pass up the chance of free loans, a big car, and the clout of being called Honourable even when engaging in debauchery in their favourite downtown seedy bars?

Being a councillor or a Member of Parliament is a job. When they promise to create jobs during campaigns, they only mean the jobs of councillor, MP or Senator. Being a Zanu PF candidate is the most sought-after meal ticket in the country at the moment.

Rambling Bimha

Candidates jostling to join the feeding trough were shocked this week when Mike Bimha, the most boring Zanu PF commissar ever appointed, announced a list of dos and don’ts this week.

First, he told aspiring candidates not to campaign yet, which caused many of them confusion, just days ahead of the primary election. But he had an even more shocking order. The party, he said, would “disqualify officials caught using money” to win votes. He even warned people against cheating in this weekend’s primaries.

Now, this is just the sort of thing that would confuse a committed party cadre. Surely, if we cannot use our proceeds of crime to bribe voters, what else are we supposed to use? Does he want candidates to actually stand on a podium and woo voters by promising useless things like hard work and honest representation in parliament?

Which foolish voter in this country still votes on an empty stomach? Bimha should, forthwith, stop going against long-standing party traditions like bribery and rigging. We were happy to see our aspirants in Zvimba doling out cash to villagers, unperturbed by Bimha’s treasonous ramblings.

Treasonous Zec

This week, the Zimbabwe Electoral Commission (Zec), renowned all around the world as the most credible election management body, began another round of voter registration. But some internal saboteurs were soon at work, telling the whole world that things were not going according to plan.

Zec announced that, because someone forgot to fulfil their 2018 election promise that we would be exporting electricity in no time, some BVR machines were running out of power due to loadshedding.

Zimbabwe Electoral Commission (Zec) Headquarters

“Zec hereby notifies the public that it is currently experiencing technical difficulties at some of its registration centres,” Zec said in a statement on Tuesday. “This is due to shortages of electricity affecting the charging of the BVR kits. The situation is also worsened by the cloudy weather, which affects the solar-powered BVR kits. Zec assures the public that every eligible citizen will be registered.”

We want to know who authorised this treasonous and dangerously unpatriotic press statement. Why blame Zesa when you could have blamed sanctions? We are aware that this was a clever ploy by someone at Zec to remind the masses why they need to register to vote.

Mafume flexing muscles

We wish to congratulate secret agents at the City of Harare for doing a fine job of making the opposition CCC look bad over recent weeks.

The capital city’s mayor has been leading a crusade to make voters angry by making them pay usurious fines for minor parking offences. Meeting municipal police in Harare, Jacob Mafume told them that, while enforcing the law, “we must not become evil to the people whom we are serving”. This was a few days after he boasted that the heavy fines motorists are paying are being used to raise money to repair Rufaro Stadium, a real show of financial genius.

City of Harare mayor Jacob Mafume

For the reeling party, the mayor has been godsend. After all that jazz about being powerless, the man has busted all myths by showing that he was in charge all along. That council can afford fuel for tow trucks, but not for garbage trucks is neither here nor there.

Zanu PF should pay this man a hefty allowance for doing such good campaign work for the reeling party.

Sanctions! What sanctions?

We keep telling people that sanctions do not matter to us, but they still do not listen.  Muckraker was delighted to read an article in which the country’s deputy owner once again told the Americans off.

“I don’t even notice that I am under sanctions,” he was quoted as saying. “Have I ever gone to them and said I need something from them?”

Obviously, those of us who have had to march in the sun to have these sanctions removed would be surprised to hear that the man does not even notice those sanctions.

As for all these upstarts claiming that there is bad blood between the VP and his boss, he said: “President Mnangagwa has my blood and I have his blood. As I am speaking here, you would think that I have phoned him to give you the same answers, sometimes word for word. And wherever we are, we think alike, and we move as one.”

That should delight the whole nation and Africa as a whole.

Listen to who?

This week, the Catholic Bishops released a useless statement urging people to vote.

In a statement, the CCJPZ said we should not let anyone choose leaders for ourselves, adding: “Consider this, at least once every five years you have an opportunity to choose who should lead. Will you choose or you will let others choose for you? Will you be content living the next five years with other people’s choices when you had an opportunity to determine the future?”

The problem is that nobody listens to these old bishops. These days, we listen to a new kind of church leader. While these bishops were sending these tame e-mails from their air-conditioned offices, the religious leaders that matter, the Apostolic leaders, had a stronger message.

According to one of them: “Vote for ED and you will have 15 years added to your life.” Now, these are the strong election messages the people want to hear, not the Catholic bishops’ weak and vague concepts of democracy and so forth.

Exemplary Mnangagwa

The nation wishes to congratulate the country’s owner for successfully touring his own farm this past weekend.

Thousands of people turned up at his farm in Sherwood for a field day, where they were taught how to farm. After his successful tour, he announced to the world: “Today, I visited my farm in Kwekwe with Seed Co who produce seed for farms across Zimbabwe. To all those working in agriculture, I say: our government supports you. Our government thanks you.”

What a man. Others of his ilk have long since forgotten where the farms that they grabbed are. At least our President still takes tours to his own farm to make sure that the sibling he left in charge there is behaving himself. Such exemplary leadership.

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