MUCKRAKER: All hail the new gold rush!… our trusted financial geniuses have done it again

According to the Herald, which we all know never lies, the new gold coin means that people will no longer want to buy US dollars. They will rush for the gold instead, putting Canada’s great Klondike gold rush of 1896 to shame, and dwarfing the California or Witwatersrand gold rushes.

Just when some were beginning to think that the geniuses at 80 Samora Machel Avenue had run out of bright ideas to save the economy from the ruin they caused, they have introduced gold coins to sort out all our problems.

According to the Herald, which we all know never lies, the new gold coin means that people will no longer want to buy US dollars. They will rush for the gold instead, putting Canada’s great Klondike gold rush of 1896 to shame, and dwarfing the California or Witwatersrand gold rushes.

Those were amateurs compared to what the Reserve Bank of Zimbabwe (RBZ) has in store for the nation, the Herald prophesied.

For those still in doubt, the paper says there are safeguards in place, which will “stop thieves and robbers taking their local currency into a bank to get something they will carry outside the country in their pocket”.

Who can disagree with that?

Listening Tuesdays THE business community was in a celebratory mood this week after the reeling Zanu PF announced that it would now listen to their concerns. The party announced that it is launching what it is calling “Listening Tuesday”, where it just sits there and listens to businesses talk about the economic environment.

Of course, we expect the business community to be patriotic, and not mention things like inflation, corruption and the comedy show at 80 Samora Machel Avenue.

Our expectation as patriots is simple. Businesses must simply tell us that we are “open for business” and that everything is going well. That is, unless of course they want to spend one or two cold nights on the chilled floors of our finest state guest lodges, like Matapi Police Station.

Besides, we should all be grateful for “Listening Tuesdays”. Which patriot would not applaud a government that listens to people on one day of the week?

Celebrate power cuts If there were people still doubting that the country’s economy is growing at a roaring pace, they must be hanging their Doubting Thomas heads in shame now.

Government has evidence: the power cuts are a sign that the economy is booming.

“Cabinet noted with pleasure that increased economic activities, especially in the agriculture and mining sectors as well as the manufacturing sector, has increased the demand for electricity,” Information minister Monica Mutsvangwa said.

From now on, whenever there is a power cut, you will hear loud cheers ringing out across neighbourhoods in the country, as the masses celebrate this sign of “increased economic activity”. It is so heartening to see that the minister’s recent tour into the heart of the evil West, alongside her bubbly hubby, has given her such revolutionary clarity on economic matters.

Imaginary world More signs of economic growth were visible on the Sugar Candy Mountain, also known as Zimpapers, the only place on Animal Farm where things are going well.

In an editorial, the Sunday Mail reminded us in bold letters: “We are reaping fruits of visionary leadership”.

According to the paper, our bellies are full, even though we just do not feel it. All this hunger that we talk of, including being classified as a hunger hotspot by the World Food Programme, is imaginary.

“The country has now already begun to harvest the plum fruits of the calculated and targeted diplomatic offensive sowed over the past four years,” the paper gushed.

The only thing that we know to be “plum” in this country are the bellies at Politburo meetings.

Chinese delirium The country was this week in absolute delirium after the visit of Chinese official Yang Jiechi, the Member of the Political Bureau of the Communist Party of China’s Central Committee and Director of the Office of the Central Commission for Foreign Affairs.

His visit put to shame claims by Western-funded detractors that Zimbabwe was isolated by the international community, a stale term that some among us use when they actually mean Western countries.

Thanking our new owners, President Emmerson Mnangagwa praised Yang for building us “the most magnificent parliament on the continent”.

Nobody can doubt that a reported US$160 million donation was best spent on a new parliament building. It is the most urgent priority in the country. We cannot have our Members of Parliament squashed in that old tiny building. The amount of hot air they produce needs more space.

Well-fed Tyson’s advice Of course, where new policies are announced, the country has no shortage of experts weighing in with their expert opinion.

In a response to RBZ’s new economic measures, Saviour “Tyson” Kasukuwere, a well-fed man who once dreamt of being even more well-fed, said: “Why not keep it simple; respect depositors’ funds.”

He is, of course, spot on. Muckraker is old enough to remember the time Kasukuwere protected depositors’ funds at Genesis Bank, a Ponzi scheme disguised as a bank that he used to own. The bank collapsed in a heap.

Years later, Kasukuwere tried to force foreign banks to give up their businesses to cronies, a scam he called empowerment. To which Gideon Gono, showing that a broken clock is right twice a day, retorted: “Ordinarily, anyone who was near a failed bank is not a fit and proper person to deal with banking matters or to ever own, run or talk about the ownership of a bank again …”

What an unkind thing to say. Kasukuwere only protected depositors’ funds so well that the depositors had no idea where their funds went.

Jealousy journalists Muckraker, like many other Zimbabweans, is envious at the progress in our former twin country up north, Zambia. They have stabilised their currency and reduced inflation in quick time.

There was more reason for envy this week. It was reported that President Hakainde Hichilema has appointed his younger brother Muzoka, a salesman, as a diplomat.

According to the Lusaka Times: “Muzoka is one of the several close party and family associates that Mr Hichilema has stuffed in foreign service.”

Some journalists are just jealous for nothing. Did the elders not say you must eat with relatives, and not with forgetful strangers?

  • APOLOGY: Muck apologises over the use of the words alleged President in last week’s edition.