From Zanu PF’s genius solutions to the gospel according to Mnangagwa

Obert Mpofu

AMID the so-called power crisis, there was some really good news announced this week. Our owners will be getting solar installations at their houses.

“The addition of solar equipment provision to the basket of benefits is in line with government’s steadfast objective to cushion its employees and improve their conditions of service through the augmentation of monetary benefits with non-monetary incentives,” according to the government of the people.

Of course, as you would expect in a country overrun by Western-sponsored sellouts, some people started moaning, saying it was unfair for our owners to have solar power and be shielded from the electricity shortages. Some people even went mad, suggesting that our leaders need to face the full brunt of the power situation in order to get a sense of the urgency.

Surely, this is all a load of unpatriotic nonsense. How does cutting off power to our leaders help the nation? How are our leaders expected to solve the power crisis if they are in the dark?

Solar patriotism

All these people making unnecessary, unpatriotic noises about solar-for-chefs are showing how blind they are to what is important.

According to the government, the nation is “working on finding a partner outside Zimbabwe who can support us in learning and starting the production of solar ancillaries”. In other words, we are looking for a patriotic tender bidder who will win the contract to supply our chefs with solar power, and perhaps, if we decide to be generous, to also supply hundreds of thousands of the remaining civil servants.

Of course, shortly, a tender will be flighted. In no time, it will be announced that a patriot with no known track record in the field will be given the big tender, naturally, in the spirit of encouraging people to venture into new entrepreneurship fields.

To show our people what we mean when we say Zimbabwe is open for business, we will open our solar business to supply ourselves with solar panels.

Genius solution

Still on this very temporary power crisis, it is sad that people are going around telling each other that our owners have no solution to this issue.

It is because people just do not read, despite the money we spent sending the whole country to school. The President has clearly enunciated a genius solution to this so-called crisis.

“We have a blueprint which targets households to run on solar, so we remove them from the national grid. In government, we are already incorporating solar systems in packages which public servants enjoy. Such employer-assisted interventions, across the sectors, will see us speedily migrating more households to solar,” our leader said.

In other words, the best way to solve the electricity situation is to just make sure that nobody has it in the first place. If we ever have fuel shortages again, we will simply tell people to stop driving their cars. If people are hungry, they should simply sell their plates.

Sanctioning Junior

The nation came together this week to congratulate Emmerson Mnangagwa Junior for being slapped with American sanctions.

The United States government announced that the son of our current owner is joining a list of our other illustrious sons and daughters on the list of people banned from entering America or doing any business there.

According to the head of the US’ foreign relations committee, a committee tasked with interfering in everyone’s business around the world, sanctions on “ED Junior” were suggested long back in 2020. It “sends a clear message to the Zim government that the US won’t tolerate its impunity”, they think. The US also said, “the goal of sanctions is behaviour change”.

Of course, while the Americans imagine that “ED Junior” is crying himself to sleep, the only crying he is likely to be doing is shedding tears of joy into his favourite whiskey.

He now has a badge of honour, a right of passage, in case he ever needed one, into the inner sanctum of the club of the country’s owners.

Well done, America.

US snub

In America, African presidents are gathering this week from all across the continent to have pictures taken with Joe Biden, whose age means that he will not be out of place among our leaders.

The Americans bowed to threats of sanctions and decided to invite us, scared about the actions we might take. Still, they decided not to invite our owner, inviting only his Foreign Affairs minister, Frederick Shava.

“We would have preferred a situation where the invitation was extended to the President and we will be making this point that such an invitation be made at the level of the Head of State so that Zimbabwe can participate at maximum,” Shava said.

We are sure that the Americans wanted to invite Mnangagwa, but then heard that he had more pressing issues; opening shopping malls, boreholes and visiting other fellow revolutionaries like Teodoro Obiang Nguema Mbasogo, and so forth.

Gender equality

Speaking of sanctions, the Americans also announced that they are adding the wife of Kuda Tagwirei to the list of sanctions, obviously, in honour of gender equality. What’s good for the husband, is good for the wife in this modern era.

Tagwirei has been on the list since 2020, and has gotten even richer since the sanctions. To understand why, one must recall what Mnangagwa said in 2020, about his relationship with Tagwirei.

“Even Jesus had 12 disciples, but we all know he had more favour towards Peter. I don’t know the reason, but maybe Peter quickly understood Jesus more than the others,” our owner said.

A verse straight from the as-yet-unseen Kings of Zanu Version of the Bible, the New Dispensation Testament.

Mpofu’s history lessons

Obert Mpofu, who once professed his belief that our previous owner was his father, has written an article saying we must learn from history.

According to Mpofu, a businessperson whose history of credibly building a business is renowned far and wide, our kids have not been taught our country’s history properly.

“Which urgently calls on the ruling party, Zanu-PF, or its government, to move swiftly while there is still time to do so by setting up mechanisms for the writing of a complete history of our country,” he wrote.

All right-thinking Zimbabweans must support this noblest of suggestions. We pray that this history will include certain key periods in our history, such as the time when one man, while working at Customs and Excise in Harare, went on a junket in Bulgaria illegally paid for by an airline representative looking for favours.

It must also include the small matter of alleged television smuggling. And then tell us how all this culminated in the man becoming one of the finest businessmen owning half of Victoria Falls.

That’s the sort of history our children really need.

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