My Dear People,
My dear, long-suffering children.
I write to you from the heights of wisdom—and perhaps a very comfortable sofa—observing the latest theatrical production currently playing in the sun-drenched streets of our beloved Zimbabwe.
It is a tragicomedy in three acts, and frankly, even I, with my PhD and my legendary shopping stamina, am finding it difficult to keep up with the script.
Let’s start with the curious case of Scarfmore and the Bulawayo no-show.
There was the red carpet, rolled out with such precision that you could have eaten your sadza off it.
The Zanu PF central committee members were lined up, looking smart, journalists were poised, and the mining industry was ready for its close-up at Mine Entra.
And then, at the 11th hour—or rather, the 10th—the word came down: "stand down."
The official excuse? A foreign envoy from the Red Cross. Now, my people, I’ve met many envoys in my time, but I didn’t realise Jagan Chapagain held more sway than the entire mining sector of Zimbabwe.
The streets were whispering, of course. They said the president was avoiding the "dust" of the nationwide protests.
But the presidency insisted it was just an "unforeseen" scheduling conflict.
Personally, I think he just heard the Generari was already there and figured, why have two cooks in the kitchen when one can handle the stir-fry?
Speaking of protests, I must congratulate you all on your "victory."
The coalition groups — bless their optimistic hearts — are claiming a "partial victory" because the CBDs were empty and schools were half-full.
They called it a "stay-away," which is a very polite Zimbabwean way of saying everyone stayed home to watch the drama on X.
Freedom Square in Harare was occupied not by vendors selling tomatoes, but by police officers and water cannons. It’s a bit like throwing a party and only the bouncers show up. Kikikikikikikiki
Munopengaaaaaaa
But then, we have the military. Oh, the military! Lieutenant General Walter Asher Tapfumaneyi made a rare appearance on our screens to warn us against "silly disruptions by adults who want to make a living out of disorder."
My people, I laughed so hard I nearly dropped my Gucci handbag. Kikikikiki
Adults being "silly"? In this economy? We are trying to survive the "Constitutional Amendment Act No. 6," which, as we all know, is the legal equivalent of a face-lift that won’t stop stretching.
This new law is quite a piece of work. It scraps the 2028 elections, extends the term to 2030, and does away with that pesky habit of asking the people to vote for their president directly.
Instead, the National Assembly and the Senate will sit together and choose for us. It’s so much more efficient, don't you think?
Why bother with ballot boxes and long queues when a few hundred people in a room can decide the fate of 16 million?.
The Zimbabwe Council of Churches (ZCC) is, predictably, not amused.
They’ve been writing pastoral letters again—this one titled "A Call to Constitutional Fidelity."
They’re calling the constitution a "sacred covenant" and demanding a referendum. They even reminded the president of his 2024 pledge not to seek a third term. It’s all very noble, but they seem to have forgotten that in the "new dispensation," pledges are like New Year’s resolutions: made with the best intentions and forgotten by February.
The ZCC says this Amendment Act has "deepened national polarisation."
They’ve even noticed the "indigenous churches" breaking ranks to support the bill, arguing that Parliament has the mandate to do whatever it likes.
It’s a battle of the bibles, my children! One side wants "sober leadership," and the other thinks the parliamentary process is the ultimate divine will.
Munopengaaaaa
Meanwhile, the courts are being flooded with applications from people like Prince Dubeko Sibanda, challenging the validity of this 2030 extension.
The ZCC is praying for the judges to act "independently, impartially, and without fear". It’s a lovely prayer.
I might add it to my own evening devotions, right after I pray for the price of bread to stop climbing faster than a politician’s ambition.
So, here we are. Scarfmore stays home to meet the Red Cross, the army warns the "silly adults" to stay off the streets, and the people express their opposition by staying in bed. It’s a very quiet revolution, isn't it? But as the ZCC warns, the "contestation" is far from over.
My advice to you, my people? Keep your eyes open and your sense of humor sharper than a bayonet.
Because if we don't laugh at the absurdity of a 2030 term extension that nobody asked for, we might just have to cry. And tears are bad for the complexion.
Munopengaaaa!!!
Stop It!
Dr Amai (PhD, Fake)