Mind fitness series (II): The power of self-awareness

BY 8.15am, Rudo had already replied to 23 WhatsApp messages, prepared the children for school, attended an online work meeting and posted a smiling picture on her status with the caption: “Grateful for life”.

In no time, her friends and followers started reacting to her post “Beautiful soul”, “Superwoman!”, “You always inspire us”, “Always looking fresh and energetic”. Obviously, Rudo smiled as she read the comments. The next minute, reality struck and she dropped her phone face down on the kitchen counter and stared blankly at the wall next to her kitchen window.

The truth was Rudo was tired. It was not the ordinary tiredness that would disappear with a good night’s sleep. She was emotionally drained and nobody around her could see it.

At 34, Rudo was the kind of woman everyone admired. She was responsible, reliable, strong (in their eyes), the one who always held things together. At work, she delivered results and her lady boss always referenced her whenever she talked about work quality and results.

At church, she was the saint everyone adored and at home, she made sure everyone was well cared for. She remembered everyone’s birthdays and made people around her feel seen and loved. She was the perfect wife, mother, sister and friend.

Unknown to many, between surviving and performing, Rudo had quietly disappeared inside herself. Lately, even small things irritated her, noises felt louder, simple questions felt overwhelming. At night, she struggled to sleep because her mind refused to switch off. And in the mornings, before getting out of bed, she often stared at the ceiling wondering: “Why do I feel so exhausted despite sleeping throughout the night for eight hours?”

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The strange part was that through the naked eye, nothing was “wrong”. In the eyes of the public, she was capable, happy and doing so well. But internally, she felt like someone carrying buckets of water with invisible cracks, pouring into everyone else, while slowly emptying herself.

One Thursday evening, after a particularly long day, and as was now the norm, Rudo arrived home exhausted. The television was so loud, the children were arguing and her phone kept on vibrating with notifications.

In the midst of all that chaos, her youngest daughter walked into the kitchen holding a schoolbook and innocently asked: “Mommy, mommy can you please help me with my homework?” Normally, Rudo would have smiled and helped immediately. But this time, something inside her snapped. “Can everyone please just leave me alone for one minute!” she shouted.

The room went from loud to silent and her daughter froze still clutching her book in her tiny hands. She then slowly lowered her book and quietly walked away. And suddenly, the noise in the house was replaced by something heavier. Guilt!

A few minutes later, Rudo followed her daughter and found her sitting quietly on the bed. The little girl looked up and softly asked: “Mommy, why are you so grumpy today?” The question pierced through her, not because it was disrespectful but because it was true. Rudo opened her mouth to answer, but no words came out because honestly, she did not fully understand it herself. She just managed to hug her daughter tightly and whispered: “I am so sorry my baby, mummy is just extremely tired today.”

That night, after everyone had gone to sleep, Rudo sat alone in the quiet, dark living room. She decided to face the reality she has been concealing all along. For the first time in a long time, she stopped asking herself: “How do I keep going?” and started asking: “What is really happening inside me?” The answer scared her a little: She was overwhelmed. Emotionally drained.

Mentally overloaded. And deeply disconnected from herself.

Many people think emotional exhaustion always looks dramatic.

Sometimes it looks like: smiling while struggling, highly functional, while empty, constantly saying “I’m fine” while the mind is screaming “no I am not okay!”, becoming emotionally numb, and feeling guilty for needing rest.

Because many people continue performing well externally, their internal distress often goes unnoticed, even by themselves, and this is where the danger is because from nowhere, someone just drops down and they are gone.

Research in psychology shows that simply identifying and naming emotions can help in calming the brain’s stress response. In other words, when people become emotionally aware, they respond more wisely instead of reacting automatically and they learn to regulate themselves hence moving themselves away from the danger zones.

What we acknowledge emotionally becomes easier to manage mentally. Rudo leaned back on the couch and took a deep breath as she remembered a coaching session at work where they had been taught about the power of emotional awareness in maintaining a healthy mental and emotional system.

Then quietly, almost awkwardly, she asked herself something she had never really asked before: “What am I truly feeling?” and slowly the answers dropped into her mind, “tired, pressured, emotionally-drained, unsupported, overwhelmed”. Strangely enough, admitting it did not weaken her as she had assumed all this time, rather it relieved her.

For months, she had been suppressing emotions that she had never paused long enough to understand. Many people were taught how to work hard, (you too I know), how to be tough, how to be strong, how to survive, how to provide, how to endure, the list is endless.

But very few people were taught how to emotionally check in with themselves. So, instead of saying: “I feel anxious”, “I feel emotionally overwhelmed”, “I feel mentally exhausted”, they simply say: “Ndakaneta chete” (I’m just tired.) Yet sometimes the exhaustion is deeper than the body. Sometimes the mind and the nervous system are the ones crying for attention.

The next morning, Rudo did something different. Before touching her phone, before checking messages, before carrying everyone else emotionally, she paused. She placed both her hands gently on her chest and asked herself: “How am I really feeling today?” It was a small moment, simple, quiet but extremely powerful because awareness is often the beginning of recovery.

Over the next few weeks, Rudo started practising small emotional check-ins throughout the day. It was not anything complicated but just moments of honesty with herself and slowly, she noticed something changing. She became less reactive, less emotionally explosive and less disconnected from herself. This was not because her challenges had disappeared, but because she had stopped abandoning herself internally while trying to manage life externally.

That, dear reader, is the power of emotional awareness. Mind fitness is not about pretending to be strong all the time. It is learning how to recognise what is happening inside you and regulating your nervous system before pressure turns into emotional collapse. Ignored emotions do not disappear, they accumulate.

Tool of the week: Emotional check-ins

At least three times today, pause and ask yourself:

What am I feeling right now?

What might be contributing to this feeling?

What do I need in this moment?

Sometimes the answer may be: rest, silence, prayer, support, boundaries, a conversation or simply kindness toward yourself.

Awareness is not weakness. Awareness is wisdom. A few weeks later, one of Rudo’s friends looked at her and smiled: “You seem lighter lately.” This time, when Rudo smiled back, it was not a performance, it was real. Because for the first time in a long time, she was no longer just trying to look okay. She was finally learning how to become okay.

In a world where many people are silently carrying emotional weight behind beautiful smiles, perhaps one of the most important questions we can ask ourselves is: “How am I really feeling today? What can I do about it?”

You can look strong on the outside while crashing in the inside. Care for your inner world, it manifests as your outer world experiences.

• Mhaka is an executive coach and leadership strategist, certified by the Institute of Coaching and Mentoring Foundation. She is currently the overall coach of the year award holder and the mental health coach of the year with the same institute. She is the founder and executive director of BeMindFit and advises organisations on executive mental fitness, mindset transformations, and sustainable high performance. These weekly New Horizon articles, published in the Zimbabwe Independent, are coordinated by Lovemore Kadenge, an independent consultant, managing consultant of Zawale Consultants (Pvt) Ltd, past president of the Zimbabwe Economics Society and past president of the Chartered Governance & Accountancy Institute in Zimbabwe (CGAIZ). — kadenge.zes@gmail.com or mobile: +263 772 382 852.