LAST week, Muckraker nearly committed the unforgivable sin of doubting the revolutionary stamina of Cde Ziyambi Ziyambi. In a moment of unpatriotic weakness, Muck even flirted with the outrageous thought that the honourable minister’s apparent delays in executing Resolution Number 1 amounted to dereliction of duty — perhaps even treasonous hesitation.
For that grievous lapse of faith, Muck must issue a heartfelt, grovelling apology to Cde ZZ for ever suspecting him of consorting with those hopeless losers opposed to the people’s sacred 2030 project.
As it turns out, Cde ZZ was not dragging his feet out of laziness or mischief. Far from it. The legal maestro was simply perfecting a masterpiece.
And what he finally unveiled before cabinet this week was nothing short of constitutional poetry. This is the Cde ZZ we know — the second sharpest legal mind in the land, naturally after Owner himself.
Indeed, the Constitutional Amendment Bill he presented was so flawless, so divinely inspired, that Cabinet members reportedly passed it unanimously before the ink had fully dried, proof, if any were needed, of Cde ZZ’s towering intellect and the Party’s legendary ability to reach instant consensus.
Ignore the usual professional complainers who claim that the honourable minister has effectively rewritten the entire constitution after consulting only himself and his reflection in the mirror. Nonsense! He has merely proposed a few modest adjustments in line with Resolution Number 1 — along with some minor housekeeping measures to ensure laws align neatly with each other, the stars, and the long-term comfort of those in charge.
Keep Reading
- Mnangagwa backers hound church leaders
- Top lawyer Mpofu in Zacc crosshairs
- Zanu PF ropes in touts
- Pastors4ED meet
Among these tiny tweaks are the modest extensions of Owner’s term and parliament’s, to a humble seven years, purely for the political and economic stability of the nation. The other small innovation is that parliament, rather than the excitable masses, will handle the delicate task of voting for Owner. A stroke of genius.
After all, it is hardly dignified for Owner’s sacred name to be dragged through messy election campaigns or risk being vandalised by poster-tearing miscreants. And surely it is beneath someone of such stature to share ballot space with political nobodies.
Let it be clearly stated that these amendments are not about entrenching “the Party” in power. Perish the thought! It is the people, guided gently but firmly, who entrench the Party.
Constitutional amendments are merely administrative conveniences for reflecting the people’s unwavering love.
The Party has very strong grassroots, unlike those pretenders who do not even have basic structures.
After the initial seven-year stretch to 2030, the Party will remain perfectly free to select any suitable candidate as president, including, purely coincidentally, Owner himself, who as a devoted constitutionalist could then begin a fresh chapter under the refreshed constitution.
Two additional seven-year terms would provide just enough time to complete the development projects destined to transform Zimbabwe into Africa’s first fully-developed nation. Honestly, what more could Zimbos possibly ask for?
Even Cde ZZ’s rejection by voters in Zvimba West is now being recognised as a strategic blessing. Freed from the petty demands of villagers in places such as Zowa, Jari and Chinyabowa, he can dedicate his formidable legal brain entirely to matters of national importance — namely the Party’s continued success.
True patriotism sometimes requires sacrifice, especially by voters. There is no better patriotism than this.
And to those alarmists claiming that one man drafting a dozen constitutional amendments amounts to a “constitutional coup” — please. It’s nonsense. This country has never experienced a coup. Not one. Even the most excitable opposition lawyers will confirm that our history is a seamless continuum of orderly transitions and disciplined uniforms.
Ask even rabid opposition lawyer, Thabani Mpofu… not even one!
Witty Owner!
Owner’s sparkling wit during his group interviews at the World Governments Summit in Dubai reminded the world that Zimbabwe is led by a master strategist personally endorsed by the heavens, a shrewd tactician God has blessed us with.
Facing what was clearly an elaborate trap set by the evil West, Owner navigated every question with surgical precision, particularly when asked about events in Venezuela. One careless answer, and some reckless global actors might have been tempted to attempt a “Maduro manoeuvre”, leaving Zimbos orphaned, leaderless and utterly confused about who to praise, since he is the only best blessing that the good Lord has ever given to this country.
His restraint proved both genius and paternal love. By refusing to take unnecessary risks, Owner ensured that the nation would not be deprived of its greatest blessing. Truly, the country remains safely under divine warranty. It shows that he loves Zimbos not to take risks that could “orphan” them! For that reason, we are relieved that Owner still loves us!
Hunger stampede
Meanwhile, nearly 200 “4ED” organisations were spotted last week snaking through Shake Shake Building in a long, patriotic queue, waiting for their turn to be interviewed so that the outfits could become duly accredited Zanu PF affiliates.
The rigorous screening process aims to keep out regime-change infiltrators disguised as enthusiastic supporters. And that is when you hear people saying that Owner should go in 2028!
Observers predict that affiliate numbers could soon surpass a thousand, a remarkable grassroots surge that coincidentally coincides with rising economic hardships.
Some cynics have been heard muttering that “hunger is dangerous”. But Muck humbly submits that hunger, when properly harnessed, can be a powerful mobilisation strategy.
If it delivers impressive membership figures, perhaps it should be recognised as a visionary long-term political investment.
Raunchy privacy
Muck was intrigued by legal arguments emerging from a complaint involving Justice Pisirayi Kwenda, accused of exchanging saucy messages with a married judicial clerk.
The honourable judge when asked by the Judicial Service Commission reportedly argued that “the woman’s husband violated his privacy by intercepting the messages”.
Muck finds this logic refreshingly bold. After all, a judge’s right to send questionable messages surely outranks mundane concerns such as judicial integrity or public confidence. Privacy, especially when misbehaving, must be fiercely defended.
The upcoming probe will, therefore, delicately weigh the sacred balance between personal indiscretion and the nation’s outdated obsession with honourable judges.
Good riddance!
Finally, the Party breathed a sigh of relief at last week’s passing of Cde Blessed “Bombshell” Geza. With one less distraction from the sacred 2030 mission, the Party can now bulldoze ahead with constitutional housekeeping uninterrupted.
In a magnanimous gesture, liberation hero status was bestowed upon him, fitting recognition for having, in death, liberated the Party from inconvenient noise during such a crucial season, as it focuses on the 2030 that really matters!