MUCKRAKER is furious. Not the polite newsroom irritation that comes from weak coffee and missed deadlines, but the biblical kind of fury — the sort that made Jonah declare himself “angry enough to die”.
Can anyone show cause why super-patriotic Muck should not be angry when it is plainly obvious that the inordinate delay in the glorious actualisation of revolutionary Resolution Number 1 bears all the hallmarks of an inside job? A bureaucratic ambush? A slow-motion coup conducted with yawns, legalese and suspiciously long tea breaks?
Because surely, surely! — someone deep within the higher echelons of the reeling party is busy sabotaging the most sacred of resolutions: that those pesky constitutional speed bumps standing in the way of Owner’s eternal stewardship be removed with the urgency normally reserved for potholes outside VIP residences.
A noble resolution, indeed, isn’t it? Yet for more than two years now — nothing. Nada! Zero!
The only thing moving at revolutionary speed is the hot air issuing from the direction of one Cde Ziyambi Ziyambi — affectionately known as the Rude Boy from Zowa — whose contribution thus far has been speeches so soothing they could be marketed as industrial-strength sleeping tablets.
ZZ’zz indeed. The unmistakable snoring sound of a man deep in constitutional slumber. This is no time for naps, Cde ZZ. History waits for no lawyer, however borderline.
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For over two years, the learned legal panjandrum of “the Party” has sermonised on the inevitability of removing these irritating constitutional obstacles — yet, curiously, no obstacle has actually been removed.
As custodian of revolutionary paperwork, he was entrusted with the sacred duty of translating Resolution Number 1 from conference poetry into legislative prose. Instead, all we have received is an endless trilogy: Talk Part 1, Talk Part 2 and Talk: The Director’s Cut.
And now, horror of horrors, the resolution risks being passed for a third time at conference — not because it is so beloved that it deserves sequels, but because its implementation remains as mythical as a pothole-free Harare road.
When the reeling party resolves, surely, implementation must follow with military precision not stroll in at the pace of a parliamentary adjournment. If this is not sabotage, then perhaps, it is performance art.
Yes, yes, Muck concedes that incompetence has long been whispered in connection with the good Cde. The voters of Zvimba West allegedly offered their own peer review, but this transcends ordinary bungling.
We are now in the realm of advanced procrastination, bordering on philosophical resistance. Thirty months have passed, yet the revolutionary bulldozer remains parked, engine off, driver allegedly still “consulting stakeholders”.
Meanwhile, Cde ZZ tours the land declaring that amendments need no referendum because “the Party” and “the people” are one and the same — a constitutional marriage so perfect that formal consent is redundant: that it does not need the support of the opposition since “the Party” has a flee-away majority in both houses; that it is as good as done; that only God’s law cannot be amended; yet in nearly 30 months, he has done nothing, nil, zilch!
Muckraker cannot help but wonder: is this deliberate foot-dragging? Does our learned friend secretly dream of a post-Owner sunrise in 2028?
Dreaming, of course, remains a human right; protected even by the very constitution now gathering dust. But the people (and their resolutions) allegedly demand eternal continuity. Owner is going nowhere, we are told, except perhaps to more rallies.
Pies in the sky
Cde John Panonetsa Mangudya of Mutapa Investment Fund has once again threatened Zimbos with the imminent return of the moribund Air Zimbabwe to Gatwick by June. Zimbos have received this same threat in 2016, 2017, 2018, 2021, 2023, 2024 … and now again, like a beloved festive re-run nobody asked for.
We were previously warned — sorry, promised — fleets of gleaming aircraft, including the legendary Airbus A380-800, the flying cathedral. So it did not come to them as a shock when recently it was threatened again that the airline was going to spent US$775,5 million on six new planes.
Let us not forget the bond note episode introduced as an export incentive, promised as harmless pocket change and accompanied by a vow to resign if it failed. It failed, but he did not resign!
So unfair
Muck is reliably informed that many ZRP traffic officers are threatening to resign en masse than wear body cameras. Muck understands them.
In fact, Muck would do the same if he were in their invidious position.
It takes away the lucrative incentive that made them join the force in the first place, just taking it away like that constitutes an unfair labour practice. They should sue if this threat is actuated.
Even for constructive dismissal for those whose threat to resign materialises.
It is rather like being told you own the country and then discovering that your privilege to loot has been nationalised — utterly devastating, a tragedy.
One might even say — so unfair.