''Where we are as a country, we need people who are honest all the time.” This is the general approximation of what Muckraker thinks he overheard in passing from the speech that Owner delivered this week at the burial of three Party cadres who were blessed with the coveted national hero status.

This reminded him of a new law in Wales that seeks to criminalise lying by politicians in that country or current efforts by Madagascar’s new military ruler President Michael Randrianirina, who has acquired a polygraph machine and a specialist to operate it to vet new government ministers. This means applicants (yes, in that country you have to apply to be a minister!) are subjected to lie detector tests in an attempt to root out those who are corrupt. Imagine the pandemonium that would ensue if that machine were to be brought into this country for just one hour!

So, Owner wants Muck and everyone else to be “honest all the time”, something that many leading Zimbos can’t be even for a mere nano-second? Is this not too much of an ask?

Let’s go back to promises made in the aftermath of the coup, at the inauguration and in that New York Times opinion piece. Which of them have been honoured?

But this country can’t do without Owner, who has since become the cornerstone.

Funny world

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We really live in a very funny world. Just imagine that when you are well-known for always saying things that have no grounding in reality, you have the chutzpah to introduce a currency! And worse still you, yourself and your hangers-on, do not want to be paid your salaries, allowances, kickbacks and for everything else in that strongest currency? How many people have ever heard of a leadership approach called leading by example?

Muck is made to understand that the highest ZiG denomination that is coming shortly would be a 200 note which, all things being equal, would be equivalent to just US$5. Who knows (that) by the time it is unleashed, it may not even be enough to buy two litres of our cartel-controlled petrol?

A committee affair

After Zimbos, who were slapped with another extortionate round of fuel price increases last week, started asking sticky questions about the country’s fuel pricing system, which makes the product the second most expensive in Sadc, we are told that Owner has decided to set up a committee to look into how he can appear merciful on us, his people.

While comparing fuel prices in other countries, including those that are much worse off in terms of geographical location, which are selling the product much cheaper, it looks like the Middle East war narrative is woefully failing to explain things away.

In fact, it is being exposed for the lie that it is. This leaves the Ownership in a sticky situation where only rapacious taxes and a monopolistic blending system appear to be the only explanation for the runaway price increases. And it is surely a sticky situation that requires a whole cabinet committee to extricate.

‘Weapons of the weak’

Meanwhile nurses — who want salary increases, not increase of the leadership’s term — have started striking for an upward review of their slave wages. Other civil servants could be doing so anytime soon. Even those that can’t be seen striking, such as Muck’s colleagues, will be doing it secretly: foot-dragging, sabotage and some such “weapons of the weak” as listed by James C Scott in the book of similar title.

How we wish the “illegal sanctions imposed on us by the evil West” narrative had not been discarded. It could also have come in handy to explain away these high fuel prices — that our fuel purchases are done in roundabout ways through layers of middlemen all because of these illegal sanctions.

As a patriot, it really pains Muck to think that the country’s ownership is still being subjected to needless embarrassment about fuel when in the past the country has been blessed with unlimited pure diesel from Maninga Hills near Chinhoyi, and even invested seriously in jatropha biofuel!

And isn’t this also one of the reasons the ancestors brought forth Cde Maxwell Chikumbutso? This is supposed to be his time to shine with his car that is powered by radio frequency. We hope that official launch that was postponed from last February will now be hurried. These are some of the miracles that constitute the unfinished businesses that are now causing people close to Owner to seek a term extension.

Wishful thinking

Zimbos are really a desperate lot. Every time those museum artefacts that are sorry apologies for armoured troop carriers and tanks crawl out to the streets to ensure that they don’t disappear from rust, these Zimbos celebrate, wishing another November 2017 is repeating itself.

This could be the reason some of them celebrated last week when they heard that Owner was on his way to Ingutsheni in Bulawayo. Thinking sanity had finally prevailed, they celebrated and, sadly, it turned out that they celebrated too early as he was just going for luncheon with like minds there — wishful thinking!

Still on more wishful thinking, this week former regime defender Rutendo Benson Matinyarare was carrying out a survey on Owner’s performance as he thinks that his has been a mediocre performance. He insists Owner’s performance does not justify any term extension at all. We have no doubt that Cde Andrew Pasinawako of Anti-Presidential Criticism and his colleagues are dutifully seized with this very important matter!

Lies, damn lies

As things are proving to be sticky for the United States and Israel in their Iranian misadventure, we might as well be getting into that season of talks about talks.

Many older Zimbos are quite familiar with these types of talks … the roundabout sort of talks that appear to be going nowhere when they are actually going somewhere. As we get into this strange season, Muck is told that similar talks could be talking place in the hereabouts.

Remember that boy who is deep in trouble in South Africa? Yes, that one who used to insult the ownership. Now the mother is getting desperately desperate. And the Zimbo rumourmill says when the mother asked for help, she was reminded of the boy’s insults and her own.

Remember she fled with our official corpse and buried it under tonnes of concrete and steel? So, the liars are telling Muck that the boy would be helped out of trouble if the mother plays ball: that is undoing her own insult of the ownership by delivering that steel coffin for burial at “the right place”.

Sticky talks about talks, they should be. Worse still, this time around without any ice cream to lubricate them!
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