By Jonah Nyoni
IN the last few weeks, we have dealt with marriage, relationships and love. From the responses I got, it shows that the institution of marriage is really under attack. However, the best can still come out of every marriage. This takes two human beings who are willing to appreciate that we are different and we all have our shortcomings, but we still stay together.
Marriage can be an enjoyable experience. Marriage is for people that are willing to learn and grow. Marriage could be God-ordained, but no marriage is built in heaven; we must put daily actions that make it pleasurable.
Two people that came into this institution should be willing to put one brick at a time to make their marriage work. Not only one brick at a time, but the right brick all the time.
A marriage left to chance can never fully shine. Again, some people think their spouse should be the one causing problems. As that might be true at some time, it can never be entirely true.
Marriage is a very fascinating subject yet so misunderstood. It can bring great fulfilment when properly handled or friction when mismanaged.
More questions continue to linger without answers. You could be asking: Did I really marry the right person? So much has changed since our marriage day; our dating stage was great and not to mention honeymoon, but now we are no longer compatible?
My heart seems not to be having any space to love her and I can’t really describe what went wrong. He provides for the family but has little or no time for me anymore.
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We have since lost touch? There is no more romance anymore and he comes home late.
The other question is: she seems not to care anymore about her body? She has gotten so fat, scruffy and I can’t handle it? When we first married her body was great, her face was cute and everything about her was a perfect cut, but that has since vanished.
The man seemed to care, but that has since fizzled into thin air? You could be having those questions too; here are some tips to keep your marriage working:
In marriage, people have a tendency of wanting to outwit others. I am one such person who would always want to win any argument or debate, but I have since discovered that this does not help.
After winning, what’s next? Winning does at times not mean you are correct. You feel good and right, but the other person has been brought down. The bigger picture would show that pride is a toxic factor in marriage.
There are times when you feel your spouse has no time for you. The world we live in is getting so much busy and social media is eating into our time. This leads to most men having less time with their wives. This makes husbands be aliens to their wives and children. It’s time we build our marriage; by so doing we build stronger families.
As human beings, we are constantly using our words to shape our world. Most marriages have been massacred merely by words. Minds not mouths; mould better marriages.
Learn communication skills through seminars, books and counsellors. A Latin writer, Publilius Syrus, once said: “I often regret that I have spoken; never that I was silent”.
In communication, we involve listening. Everyone is eager to speak, but if we listened more and spoke less we more add more value to our marriages.
We should not expect respect from others, but we should learn to first respect. Respect should be earned, don’t force others to respect you. Respect, value and love your spouse and see the results!
The “I-can-do-it-all” attitude is at times dangerous, especially for affluent women who have the financial clout. Let your man do some things for you.
As a man, I want to be part of the game by getting involved! “Most men seeking wives are not looking for executives but someone with allure and willingness to flatter and make them superior”. (Paul Popenoe, former director of the Institute of Family Relations in LA).
Mentally, everyone has a model of what they want of their spouses. We are mainly coined by the environment we live in, people that we associate with and past experiences.
That shapes the way we think and make choices. However, the person that we get married to has different world views and different expectations and don’t expect them to always fit into your mould or to be like you.
The question is: Should secrets be kept or said? Most people have secrets; this could be of past affairs, illicit affairs, mistakes they made. If not wisely managed, secrets ruin a marriage. Wisdom is important; some cats are better off kept tightly in the bag.
However other cats can’t stay in the bag forever. Secrets are as bad as a small crack in a strong building, they seem insignificant but eventually damage the entire structure of marriage.
Marriage is a learning centre. Be of a learning spirit. Learn from those that have experience. Don’t get advice from the wrong sources. Enjoy your marriage, remembering that you have to build it daily. Need I say more? Enjoy your marriage!
