Dealing with sex issues in marriage


By Jonah Nyoni

TODAY we tackle a sensitive topic, sex. It is expected that married people should have sex and at times it does not go well. Sex was created for procreation and enjoyment. However, at times the enjoyment and fulfilment will not be reached because of issues at stake. There are common sexual problems which have been identified by researchers.

People have different beliefs and perspectives about sex and that makes it an inexhaustible subject. What makes it even more complicated is how the social media projects it.

In the past, sex was very sacred, and was less talked about openly and explicitly.

Now, it is a different story. In the past, not being a virgin before marriage invited societal scorn.

Now, the tables have turned, trying to wait to have sex when you get married, is viewed as awkward.

Put the needs of your partner first

In order to have fulfilling sex life, you need to put your partner first.

Her or his sexual enjoyment must be your priority. This starts with true or authentic love.

Don’t expect to be loved if you don’t love and don’t expect great sex if it’s just about lust. Love first!

Sexless marriage

I have counselled or coached couples that don’t have sex at all. They started well, but as the time went by, issues crippled in and passion was lost.

This is caused by a number of issues that include conflicts and health-related issues.

Health-related matters leave one partner needing sex, but they cannot have it because of the other part has issues.

This has led others to cheat so as to relieve themselves of sexual hunger.

Conflicts also may lead couples to temporally or permanently stop having sex.

Sexual differences

Some marriages suffer because the man wants sex all the time, and the woman can’t stand that pace.

We should understand the make-up of our partners. Studies show that men and women are aroused differently.

The man is usually physically ready and the woman must be emotionally ready. A man is moved mainly by seeing. A woman wants to be touched.

Sexual compatibility

We live in a busy society; at times both couples are employed and are pursuing more things such as university education.

That might lead to fatigue, stress and conflicting work schedules. That makes couples not to have time for quality sex.

Sex is an important part of marriage. It helps couples to connect or bond physically, spiritually and emotionally.

Sex talk

Sex should be communicated between couples. Find a safe space and time to talk about sex.

Tell your partner about how you desire to reach sexual fulfilment. Men have been blamed for rushing the process, leaving their partners suspended. As a man, you can better understand the make-up of your wife by asking them how they want it done.

Talking about sex makes you better understand your partner. Every person has sensitive body parts, but you won’t know that sweet spot if you never talk about sex.

We are never the same, people have different tastes. It takes couples to talk it out as to fully understand the special and unique needs of their partners.

Couples must be open and talk. In the sex talk, stop blaming the other person, but allow them to speak and express themselves.

Remember, like in any facet of life a great marriage is created by two individuals who want to make it great.

Parting point

Unfulfilled sex leads to resentment and frustration. Lack of awareness of each other’s sexual needs leads to sexual failure.

The Bible says no one is allowed to withhold sex to their spouse. Don’t starve your partner in order to punish them. In 1 Corinthians 7:3–5 (NLT) says: “The husband should fulfil his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfil her husband’s needs. The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife.

“Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer.

“Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”