SUCCESS LIFE: Jonah Nyoni
A debate on love, marriage and sex heighten emotions. In the name of love, some people have been heartbroken but they continue to hunt for more. Billy Oceans sung, “Tell me what is the colour of love? What do you see? Is it warm, is it tender when you think of me?” Love is the most discussed topic yet so misunderstood. There is nothing so sweet and painful at times such as love. To distil and demystify love, life and sex, I (J N) engaged Farai Juliet Magada (F J) a relationship expert, TV producer, presenter, actress and MC.
J N: What are the building blocks of a great relationship?
F J: A great realationship is built on friendship, transparency, trust, understanding, communication and to top it all, good sex. When two people build their relationship on friendship it can withstand anything because the truth of the matter is, love fades over time and needs to be rekindled over and over again. A friend is someone you can depend on, cherish, defend, talk about anything with, advises you, tells you the truth no matter how hard it is.
Transparency allows trust to grow and the relationship to blossom. Understanding your partner’s weaknesses or flaws will allow you to know how to compromise in order for the relationship to work. When you understand someone, you do not expect them to change for you and fit what you want. Communication strengthens the relationship because one needs to know how the other is feeling, thinking and needing. Great sex is for the bonding, mentally, spiritually, emotionally and physically. A relationship without good sex is not a relationship at all because sex is supposed to be enjoyed.
J N: How important is emotional intelligence in a relationship?
F.J: I believe that one needs to treat their partner the way they want to be treated. It is like throwing a ball on a wall and it ricochets to you with the same amount of force you would have used to throw it, so you receive what you give and vice versa. Relationships are powered by emotion and what you give is what you receive. Most people are not aware that they will be emotionally abusing their partners or are being abused and they think it is love when it is not.
There will always be ups and downs in relationships but one has to always look at how certain behaviour or words will be received by their partner.
J N: At the start of every relationship everything looks rosy and heavenly. Will things remain like that in a marriage? What should one brace for?
F J: It always starts smoothly in relationships and then the storms come, but it is only to test the strength of your love. Some people pretend or hide their true nature or character in the beginning but as the relationship progresses and they get to know their partner even better, the part where they have to decide to stay or leave comes out in the open.
Most people perceive marriage as a life sentence because of other people’s experiences, yet it is a continuation of a relationship that will have starting a family, buying assets, doing things together etc. I will liken it to education, starting from pre-school, to primary school, to high school, to college or university then work. Different things come at each stage of life and so as with relationships and marriage.
You will learn something new everyday about your partner, but you should be able to handle it whether good or bad. Rosy stages do not last forever, but can be maintained by rekindling the romance despite the million responsibilities that you may have and always remembering why you are in that relationship with that chosen person.
When it comes to expectations, one should expect anything, because no one has a relationship or marriage manual. There will always be third parties and their opinions and also dreams and hopes being shuttered. You will learn from other people but it is you who will make it great and something worth fighting for.
J N: It’s not about what the other party brings to the table, but what both individuals bring. That makes involved parties to shun the blame game. How important is relational self-development?
F J: Relational self-development has different stages that will make a person decide whether they want to stay, make it work and grow, or walk away and find someone compatible. With relational self-development, a person will have to make up their minds before going further and knowing the other person better. It always starts with what type of person one is attracted to and then engage in a conversation and that is when one finds out if they want it continue or not.
If they do, there will be a time where the “masks” come off and the real person’s character is revealed as the relationship progresses. The first stage is very fragile in the context that, one will be able to see what the other can and cannot bring to the table and how much they have to compromise to make it work.
J N: To those is a relationship hanging by the thread, what could be your words of advice?
F J: There is no formula or manual to relationships or marriage, if there was, a lot of people would still be married and getting married as soon as they hit 18. It always depends on the root cause of the problem and if both parties are willing to work things out. At the end of the day, it is about what the couple wants that will determine fixing things.
There are emotions, third parties, false hope, bitterness, grudges, lies and old scars at play when relationships and marriages are hanging by the thread. Sometimes a time apart helps so that they get to decide what they want and if they want to work things out or go their separate ways.
J N: Let’s talk about what most people take as the cream of the cake; sex. Does sex make a relationship or a relationship makes sex?
F J: I personally think a relationship makes sex because it is not the foundation of the relationship but is the icing on the cake. Relationships built on sex do not always last because it is about the physical attraction. A person can have sex with countless people and not feel any love for them but will meet someone that understands them, talks to them, shows them affection and care and will enjoy that relationship and enjoy the sex. I did mention that sex allows people to connect mentally, spiritually, among others. But if there is no foundation, it will be meaningless sex.
J N: What do you think men should know about women sexuality?
F J: The term sexuality is very broad, Jonah. I don’t know where to start but I will touch on the females’ sexual potency and this is the strength or power to perform in bed and is also about the ability and capability at what they do. I personally think men should have a lot of knowledge about women from the time they become sexually active.
Understanding the anatomy of the woman is not enough but every small things that make a woman, a woman. Women are very sexual beings and if men knew how much women love and enjoy sex more than them, they would give more sex to women.
J N: What do women need to know about what the man wants sexually?
F J: I think women are taught how to please men in bed from a very young age and the fact that sex is supposed to be enjoyed by both parties is seldom discussed and that is when you come to find out that a large percentage of women have never experienced an orgasm and that is sad but men ejaculate all the time.
Women go out of their way to acquire knowledge on what men want sexually but they forget they need to be pleased too. Men do not bring their emotions when they have sex but women do, which is why men can have several sexual partners and not be emotionally connected to any of them. Communicating with your partner about what they want is key because people are different.
J N: Finally, what learning materials would you recommend?
F J: I believe that learning is something humans never cease to do and materials for relationships are merely guidelines to making it work. I would recommend learning from other people’s relationships and taking what you see works and leaving what does not. Lessons are everywhere but first, one has to make up their minds on what they call an ideal relationship.
Jonah Nyoni is an author, success coach and certified leadership/business trainer. He is the author of Inspiration for Success and Success Within Reach.