It has become fashionable lately to proclaim that one has no regrets. It seems there is a sense of foolishness and even shame that is associated, not with the regrettable choice itself, but with the idea that one should confess to regretting it. As if every move one makes — even the ones which should be regrettable — is strategically positioned and well-thought-out. In real life, we know this is not so.
Opinion: Thembe Khumalo
The other school of thought seems to position regret as so deep and so dreadful a feeling that it should only be applied to massacres and major catastrophes — and not, for instance to a foolish photograph or an unkind word.
I don’t dispute that one can, in hindsight, work around a poor choice, evaluate the lessons it may have delivered and resolve to right the wrong or straighten the crooked path. And I think that in part is the beauty of being able to regret, sincerely and wholeheartedly.
I think though that there is something healthy about regret. It is akin to confession in some way. It liberates us from the unacknowledged, permits us to endure a dose of painful humility, and prepares us for a greater resolve in avoiding the repetition of what is regretted.
So in the spirit of leading by example, here are some of my top regrets for the past year. It’s not a comprehensive list, of course, because I am hoping you don’t know or care about some of my other regrettable choices.
I regret wasting time and opportunity
This is without a doubt the number one regret of my life, and with it comes the number one fear that I will repeat this mistake. It is painful to miss an opportunity, but one can always be sure there will be another one down the road. It may not be the same one, but opportunities arise constantly. Time, on the other hand, is something that you just never ever get to recover, and for that reason it is tragic to realise you have misused time. This revelation has filled me with an almost manic sense of internal urgency. And is the best prompt for working when I don’t feel like working, getting up when I would rather continue sleeping, and stepping out in faith, when I would prefer to remain safe and in control.
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I regret not participating more candidly, more freely and more casually in group discussions and activities. I was very shy as a child and though it’s hard to believe now, I periodically revert to this very cautious position. But I realise that in many instances where I was being circumspect and restrained, I simply came across as aloof and disengaged. Perhaps I would have benefitted more from group discussions if I participated more readily. I have learnt for instance that a WhatsApp group can actually be a game-changer for a career move and that overprotecting the personal brand can be a drag, not on me, but on others. I suppose in summary this would be a lesson in not taking oneself too seriously. A healthy dose of humility can go a long way in relieving social ailments! I regret not taking better care of my body
My body is an instrument that has served me better than I could ever imagine. It is awesome in both function and design. I know, therefore, that it’s not asking much just to treat it with a bit more reverence and affection: to exercise daily, to eat right, to sleep sufficiently, and to rest when tired. The melt-in-your-mouth doughnuts (I blame Pemcol Bakery) and nights with insufficient sleep, (I blame poor work-life integration) and sometimes weeks on end with no proper exercise, (I blame … ummm, lets see … the weather …?) all contribute to bad care and result in many, many regrets.
I regret not learning faster, sooner with more immediacy
“Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame of me.”
And yet here we all are … still being conned, sometimes by the same characters that conned us years ago. Whether they be government, employers, ethnic groups, family members or former friends. I wonder if my life would have been easier if I had figured out who the con artists were sooner rather than later, and if I had acted with both speed and courage to draw boundaries that kept them out.
I regret not saying no more swiftly.
Being involved in a project with either difficult people or a goal one isn’t sure about, or in a way one’s gut resists, usually ends with heart ache. This I have learnt, and even though the lesson has been valuable and I am better off for the experience, I do wish I’d had the balls to walk away when I first spotted trouble, instead of thinking — as we tend to do here in Zimbabwe — that things would somehow work themselves out in the end. They weren’t. And the damage to my psyche and my brand is done. It is not impossible to recover from negative experiences, but neither is it easy.
That said, being able to acknowledge one’s regrets creates a fertile ground for resolve, that purpose-fuelled steeling of the heart and mind in a particular direction. As we take stock of our achievements in the course of a year, we also find opportunities to make resolutions about how we go forward.
Thembe Khumalo is a brand-builder, storyteller and social entrepreneur. Find out more on www.thembekhumalo.com or follow her social media accounts @thembekhumalo
