ABUSE in love relationships is an issue of concern these days and all of us who understand what love is and all about should rise up and help our fellow humans, who are struggling in this area.
Relationships: Kilton Moyo
Love never abuses and will never abuse.
Last week we looked at why some women, many of them, choose to stay in abusive relationships until they are maimed or killed.
Well, I got exciting responses from all over the globe and I am more informed now than I was before.
One of the issues raised was that of incapacitation.
Many sisters feel so incapacitated right at the start of the abuse, that they think they are too weak to fight.
This is fuelled by the feeling of fear and dependence on the abuser.
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My question on this is how best can our sisters be helped to understand they are not dependent on man but on God?
In this life, if you rely on human beings more than your God, you will be abused.
Do not sell yourself into the hands of man.
Love one another, but do not abdicate your life to the other person.
Remain yourself in your relationships.
Today, I want us to look at a few thoughts why some men abuse women.
I am glad it is some men and not all men.
This world is full of great, excellent and loving men, save for just a few, who are spoilers.
Why would someone abuse the one he loves to the point of even killing them?
Since when did love kill? I realise that this has nothing to do with love or even being a male.
It has everything to do with the individual’s perception of men and women.
Wrong perceptions
Some people are really lost on what a man is and what a woman is.
If your understanding of being a man is superiority over womanhood, then you are bound to be an idiot in the way you perceive women and yourself as men.
I am not sure where we get this thinking from.
Maybe it’s from religion. Note I said religion and not Christianity because these are different.
Religious men are abusive of women in general. Maybe it’s a culture thing too, but hey I know of so many men of culture who love their women very much.
Unless you change your perception of men, as a man, you might be an abuser.
Unless you change your perception of women, you might continue abusing them and fall into the hands of the law.
The law is for the wayward
These perceptions are the root to abuse.
When trying to help men caught up in this trap, maybe we need to get deeper into this.
The world loves dealing with the fruit and not the root. We need to correct it in the mind so these men understand what a man is.
Insecurity
To me, as a counsellor and one who talks with so many people on these issues, one of the biggest reasons for this abuse is insecurity in men.
An insecure man feels challenged by their woman’s way of doing things.
They are always complaining and seeing faults in the woman.
You see, deep-seated insecurity becomes a snare to the way you should express yourself.
Instead of loving and caring, you become angry and accusing.
Most of these abusers are looking for help themselves.
They are men outside but dead inside. They are possessive, jealous and prohibitive in all they do.
They see demons at every turn and they believe they must discipline their partners.
Do they really want to abuse? Not really.
They find themselves angry and fighting.
Many do not even understand it.
One moment they are sweet and the other they are sour and devilish.
They suffer from such unexplainable mood swings.
They are not in charge and they have given up and then find some demonic satisfaction in abusing their loved ones.
Again, beloved, to them it’s a call for help.
Their challenge is that they cannot share their insecurities.
Culture has taught them not to.
A man cannot be weak, culture says. A man cannot be wrong. A woman is always in the wrong, says culture.
These are the deceptions of human culture, which help in bringing up idiots as men.
In my work this far, yes I might be wrong, but insecurity is major among men, particularly in this generation.
Most men have not lived up to their aspirations and that alone hits up at the core of their egos.
Men are ego people by creation.
Nothing is wrong with that, but their failure to deal with things that hurt their ego is what is wrong.
How on earth do we help men deal with their insecurities when they think they are unable to share?
Why would a young man, like the one who killed his girlfriend in South Africa recently, think the way he did?
There is more than psychologists can explain. It is spiritual.
I pray that those helping him will go deeper.
My challenge, beloved, is that, society thinks they deserve a place in prison and nothing else.
I think they want more of our concern and spiritual counselling than imprisonment.
Insecurity does not go away because I have been jailed.
Before we look at the crime committed, let us look at the spiritual whys.
Human life is spiritual and must be interrogated spiritually. This is where Christian counselling should come in.
Follow us on all our media channels and call us or write to us. You can also read our book Marriage Fitness. At Fruitful Marriages we offer you very sound, practical, relevant and restoring coaching and counselling on marriage and relationships. We are available seven days a week. Invite us or attend our meetings.
Kilton Moyo is creator of Fruitful Marriages, a renewal and enrichment programme and is pastor, counsellor and author of Marriage Fitness. Call or whatsap on +263 775 337 207, +263 772 610 103 or [email protected]
