Marriage operates on a three-dimensional intimacy which is of body, mind and spirit.
Relationships: Kilton Moyo
This is designed to meet the core need for every human being; the assurance to be accepted understood and heard.
It is in a marriage relationship that these can be fully accomplished and yet you will agree with me that most of us struggle in meeting this very important need.
One huge reason people struggle is poor communication. Poor communication blocks intimacy and denies couples to experience acceptance and most feel they are not heard and understood and then give up.
I just want to show you today some fears that steal good communication in marriage.
Maybe if couples worked on these, communication will improve and as a result our intimacy will grow and we will enjoy marriage.
Remember that the Bible teaches us that as Christians, we have not received a spirit of fear, but the spirit of power, love and of a sound mind.
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In other words, fear is not of God and is not from God. It, therefore, comes from the enemy to destabilise our lives. See how he does it with fear.
The fear of hurting the other person
This kind of fear is two-way. You fear hurting your spouse and your spouse also fears that they might hurt you and you both then remain silent and passive on things that really hurt you.
When a couple operates in this realm, they cannot solve anything or talk anything.
Many couples are really crippled by this, as they cannot correct each other. Unless you learn to be open with one another, your intimacy remains clouded by hurts that are not explained or solved.
The fear of judgment
Some spouses betray intimacy and communication by fearing that their spouse might judge, criticise or blame them for their shortcomings.
If you cannot be open enough to your own spouse about your own struggles, then you are in trouble. I have seen spouses who feel free opening up to the world than their spouses. It cannot be so in marriage.
Couples need to create an atmosphere where they can share their entire inner struggles one to another. It is not love to judge and blame your spouse for their shortcomings.
The duty of love is to embrace, protect and encourage and correct.
The fear of being misunderstood
Most couples live in the fear of being misunderstood and rejected by the person they love. Instead they then choose to die silently, develop depression and sometimes bitterness.
Many become disengaged or become doormats because they cannot express themselves. Beloved, when it is like this, it cannot be called marriage.
It is the duty of every couple to give each other room to be understood and heard accurately.
It is amazing how wives and husbands would always hear each other differently.
Maybe we need to take time understanding how women talk and how men hear and interpret the women language.
We all need that kind of accuracy so we promote good communication. Some of these things do not just need prayer, but practice, deliberate practice.
The fear of being a burden
How on earth does your spouse become a burden to you? Some spouses withdraw from their love life and life of their marriages because they fear they are imposing themselves and damaging the happiness of their spouse.
As a result they will let things degenerate, as they go unchallenged or corrected. You can never be a burden to your spouse.
You are not infringing on their happiness if that happiness is destabilising your marriage. Marriage was meant to boost your self-esteem as a couple.
If it gives you a low self-esteem, them something is totally wrong.
It is time maybe you rediscovered yourself in your marriage and live again.
The fear of exposing yourself
Some spouses are afraid that if they expose themselves as who they really are, their spouses will no longer love them. Imagine trying to build a life on pretense.
It is not sustainable. There are many spouses hiding their real selves from their spouses. It is a shame and a lie. Be yourself, so you can grow in life and in marriage.
Beloved, many of us have pretended enough in our marriages.
Marriage is not a place of pretense. It is a place of reality and truth and love. When shall you be you in marriage so you can enjoy it? Ignoring these fears does not take them away.
They stay and grow and rob you of your intimacy. Many marriages are boring because of this lack of liberty. Get started. Express these to your partner and see the good results. Truth sets you free. No more pretense in marriage.
At Fruitful Marriages we offer you very sound, practical, relevant and restoring coaching and counselling on marriage. We are available seven days a week. Invite us or attend our meetings.
Kilton Moyo is creator of Fruitful Marriages, a renewal and enrichment programme and is pastor, counselor and author of Marriage Fitness. Call or whatsapp on +263 775 337 207, +263 772 610 103 or kilton.citizenafrica@consultant.
