It is my hope that you read our article last week where we were exposing two huge enemies of blissfulness in marriage today. We saw how unwillingness to mature or learn and selfishness choke many marriages and render them irreparable. It is our prayer that the information we are sharing with all our readers is helpful, otherwise our marriages should be fruitful and exciting despite challenges. Joy and peace do not mean the absence of challenges. Our marriages should be our places of comfort when the world has beaten us up. We should be actually running away from the world to our homes where there is love, affirmation, joy and never condemnation. When the world has condemned us and called us all names, we should be running into the arms of our spouses, husbands and wives for comfort and security. It is a pity that many of us run away from our marriages, God designed places for our security, into the world.
Relationships by Kilton Moyo
The world has no pity for us beloved and what we need to do is to make our marriages work. We want to share with you one way of establishing or building bliss in our marriages. In the 21st century your marriage can be blissful and exciting. It all depends on you and not your spouse. But how best can the two of you build bliss in your marriage?
Resolve conflict
Conflict will always arise in any human relationships including marriage, a relationship of love. Conflict on its own cannot destroy us but the way we respond to it, can destroy us. In my book, responding to Personal Crisis, I share much on this and share a lot of information on how to handle crisis at individual level. Conflict left unresolved becomes a trap. Many couples prefer sweeping every conflict under the carpet or rather just keeping quiet, hoping it will go away on its own. It won’t, beloved. Others fight instead of resolving conflicts. You do not resolve a conflict by creating another one. I just want to show or share with you how best you can resolve your conflicts.
- Pray
You heard me. I said pray. Pray the word of God concerning your situation.
Before you would attempt anything else, remove yourself from the conflict so you can hear God well and clearly. Beloved, it is not wise to try and handle human conflicts your own way. You will destroy others. Let God handle it for you and give you relevant wisdom. In your anger, hear God. In your distress, seek God.
- Identify your own role in the conflict.
How did you cause the conflict yourself? Before you blame your spouse, what is your contribution to this? Do not look for that little speck on your spouse’s eye and fail to see the log on your eye. Many of us fail here. We just go for the blame game and pull down our spouses and never want to listen. You are destroying your relationship. Judge yourself first and accept your responsibility for the problem. This is humility that lacks in many marriages.
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When you are wrong you are wrong. Do not seek to justify your wrong. Remember that last week we said selfishness kills many relationships. Selfishness opens a huge gate for the enemy and where it resides there are no solutions to problems. Unresolved problems build or lead to many more.
- Confess your wrong or role to your spouse. This is the beginning of the solution to the problem. Confessing has power to shift things and restore emotions and feelings. It’s only that we ignore the power of these noble and holy ways of living. Confessing builds up your own confidence and that of your spouse. When you confess, your spouse also confesses unless they are out of their mind. Be willing to take the blame and please apologise.
- In your confession, express your hurt and not your hostility. State what hurts you and do not blame the other person. Do not condemn and accuse. Lay your heart bare and do not be afraid to do so. Focus on the solution and not the problem or on who is wrong. You are not trying to get even with your spouse or to make them feel the pain too. You want to solve a problem.
- Be solution focused. I have said this already. You want a solution to the problem and there is always a solution to every problem. The reason we do not get or reach a solution is that we do not see it but see the problem and see our spouses as problems. We must learn to separate these. Whenever you meet to solve an issue please focus on the solution and never view each other as the problem.
I will suggest that you go out of your home to a nice public place or restaurant, sit down and talk face-to-face. This helps you to lower your voices and control your tempers. The truth is that self-respecting couples will never shout at each other in public. So get to that place, buy some drink and talk and love each other. Never allow any conflict to affect the way you feel about each other. How you feel about each other must be influenced by love and not things.
Well let us meet again next week. Otherwise be refreshed as you seek to build bliss in your marriages. Deal with conflict wisely. Pray and read the word of God. For more information please you can follow us on our blog @fruitfulmarriages.wordpress.com or on our Facebook page or on Twitter @fmarriages. You can also get us on our WhatsApp numbers where we chat every evening with those interested. Our online “school of marriage” starts on WhatsApp this Friday, tomorrow. It’s between 1730hrs and 2130 during the week and between 1100am and 1730 on weekends. All you do is create your group and book an hour with us between the given times. We are talking and discussing awesome topics together. Try it.
- Kilton Moyo is creator of Fruitful Marriages, a renewal and enrichment programme and is pastor, counsellor and author of The Sex Trap. Call or WhatsApp on +263 775 337 207, +263 772 610 103 or [email protected]
