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NewsDay

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Welcome on board flight ZW3692 to Ansinsila

Opinion & Analysis
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome on board flight ZW3692 to Ansinsila. We don’t know when this flight will be landing, but we would be flying at a precariously and politically very high altitude to be far from our enemies. Please pay attention to the flight attendants as they demonstrate the safety features of this aircraft. This is important for your survival during this flight.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome on board flight ZW3692 to Ansinsila. We don’t know when this flight will be landing, but we would be flying at a precariously and politically very high altitude to be far from our enemies. Please pay attention to the flight attendants as they demonstrate the safety features of this aircraft. This is important for your survival during this flight.

Tapiwa Gomo

While on flight, please make sure you stick to the rules of this aircraft. The pilot is always right and that means as long as you are in this flight you are also right at all times. Food will be provided based on your political allegiance to the pilot and based on the order of political importance. Make sure the party seat belt is always fastened as the political and economic weather ahead is turbulent.

The pilot is always right and that means as long as you are in this flight you are also right at all times
The pilot is always right and that means as long as you are in this flight you are also right at all times

While you are on board flight ZW3692, please note that political pressure is always being monitored, in case of factionalism. In the event of a decompression, survival stipends will be issued to those most loyal. To start the flow of these stipends, memorise and sing the liberation war songs and praise everyone who is in power and most importantly the pilot. Sing the songs louder and consider some kongonya dance until you have drawn the attention of the flight attendants and the pilot.

Once you are noticed, keep showing up your face to those who matter most at every party gathering. It earns you food to survive this flight than a normal paying job. If you are travelling with your family, make sure they all have party cards and always produce the cards every time you chat with a flight attendant or the pilot to remind them of the number of people you need to feed. Keep your party regalia with you most of the time until we have landed and the crew member advises you to remove it in the new destination.

We will make sure you endure the wrath of the political turbulence in the skies of power
We will make sure you endure the wrath of the political turbulence in the skies of power

In the event of a political emergency, please assume the brace position before those in power. Demonstrate that you remain a party cadre by lifting your clenched fist up high in praise of the pilot. Ensure your feet are grounded on party ideology and never forget to say the slogan at any given chance. Life vests will be provided in the form of party regalia at every party meeting and in that way you are assured of a safe and enjoyable flight.

Ladies and gentlemen, thanks for your resilience during this 324 months of flying ZW3692. As we start our descent, we aware that your waists have become thinner and the tray tables have been empty for a while now. Make sure you sing the right songs on landing as we wait for the grain from Mexico. Also ensure that your party cards, regalia and flags are stowed very close to you to avoid doubt.

When the Mexico food arrives, our political lights will illuminate and please remain firmly in your party position. Step up your praise for those who are in power at all levels — from the cell to the national leadership. We encourage that you remain close to party developments throughout the decent and the wait for the Mexico food as we may experience political turbulence such as the one at the Rainbow Towers. Remain calm and don’t be distracted.

In case you have become impatient and annoyed by the political turbulence experienced by our flight ZW3692 to Ansinsila, don’t dare cross-over to another political aircraft while on board. We will make sure you endure the wrath of the political turbulence in the skies of power.

The cross-over will be embarrassing, dangerous and you will miss out of the Mexico food. Personalised drought will be cast upon you and documentation of your dirty deeds in the dark will be unleashed to the public.

However, in case the turbulence becomes unbearable and you wish to escape our flight, there are several emergency exits on this aircraft in each of the four main points of the compass. Zambia to the north. They have harvested more food than they require but they have stopped exporting to us, so we went to Mexico. There is South Africa to the south and Mozambique to east, but Renamo might not be what you want to experience upon landing. In west is the Botswana exit which offers easy entry, but rough landing.

Please take a few moments now to locate your most convenient exit as you will need this in case we are angry with you. If you need to evacuate the aircraft, please don’t give notice as we have the keys to all the doors. In real danger, the most important will be the first to be evacuated.

Therefore, giving notice will mean that you will be the last to evacuate and you won’t like losing your life in such a crush. By keys, we don’t mean those metal objects to unlock the doors, but political power. Otherwise, those doors have been neglected for the past three decades and can be opened by moving the handle in the direction of political change. Each door is equipped with a security officer but do not be afraid as they are also hungry, looking for an excuse to exit.

Rest assured that due to hunger even the security office can be detached and used as a life raft. Be courageous.

Tapiwa Gomo is a development consultant based in Pretoria, South Africa