Theatre in Harare: Minutes of the politburo

Tapiwa Nyandoro

Confirmation of minutes
The minutes of the previous meeting were confirmed as a correct record of proceedings of that Wednesday. It was noted that anointed ink had been used in the writing of the minutes. Comrades who felt that their minutes were nothing, but blank pages were advised that spiritually they maybe in the wrong basket and need to mend their wayward ways. Their faction is doomed.

Matters arising

It was noted factionalism is well-contained, affecting only those who cannot read strategy correctly. The attention of the people and the gullible press has been successfully diverted from economic hardships, vanishing 13th cheques, unfulfilled Aliko Dangote (Nigerian billionaire) deals and other mega deals slow to evolve, unemployment, drought and the shortage of drugs.

A motion to congratulate the Professor on a job well done was moved and accepted. It was noticed there were knowing winks all around except amongst members of the faction whose minutes looked like blank pages.

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The chairman set the ball rolling by quoting the Duke in Shakespeare’s Twelfth Night. “What great ones do the less prattle of,” the Duke was quoted as having said. Accordingly, like the chairman himself, a great man, his deputies, he pointed out, ought to have thick skins. That is a mark of greatness, it was observed.

It was then agreed the subject was not on the agenda, and never will be. It was noted that President Robert Mugabe had warned against abuse of the social media and not its use. The Commissariat’s recommendation that those cadres who fail to understand the difference between abuse and use, could find themselves before the National Disciplinary Committee to answer charges of severe dullness, was unanimously endorsed as resolution number one of the meeting.

Missing ladies’ undergarments and small radios

The Women’s League reported that no such misfortune had been reported. A few gentlemen, however, were noticed to have shifted in their seats and avoided eye contact with the rest.

Attempts on breaking into a Vice-President’s office

Investigations had been inconclusive and prophets had not been helpful either, preferring to profess about the results of the Chelsea versus Manchester United match.

It was queried whether spirits or witches can be seen on closed-circuit television (CCTV)? After deliberations, it was agreed that only treated dogs can do the job. The security secretary was tasked with recruiting one and its equally treated handler.


The Pisces sign (February 20 to March 20) and the Aries sign, the latter covering the date of independence were noted to be on the ascendancy as usual. They are leadership stars with many varied talents, including sniffing fake admirers, the meeting observed.

The 21st February Movement announced the raising of a substantial amount of donations for the coming birthday bash. Comrade Weapon, the secretary for administration suggested that all politburo members will feel offended if they donated less than 10 beasts each for the party. The brilliant suggestion became the second resolution of the meeting.

Leadership aspirations

The chairman opened the debate by pointing out that his selection criteria for politburo members relied heavily on perceived leadership traits. Accordingly, all members were potentially his replacement when the time comes. His recommendation, which was seconded by all, was that only the people, however, will make the final decision.

It was also agreed that loquacious civil servants needed reining in. It was noted that State institutions needed to be apolitical. The mooted misfortunes of the Prosecutor General Johannes Tomana, may have something to do with catching the wrong political basket.


It was agreed the 2013 manifesto is now stale and ZimAsset won’t attract voters in 2018. The agenda is going to miss all the targets.

However, the thrust on science, technology, engineering and mathematics (STEM) and the scholarship programme to go with it, together with the school feeding programme are brilliant replacements.

More so they are programmes that will be supported by the Press across ideological lines and financially by traditional Western donors, the United Nations — in its quest for sustainable development goals — and China of course.

It was noted once again the opposition has been caught with its pants down. All cadres were urged to support this strategic switch from resource nationalism back to human capital development. The chairman, it was concluded, has always been right

There being no further business the meeting ended at, or about 12 midnight.

Comrade Weapon

Secretary for Administration

lTapiwa Nyandoro can be contacted on or