Love can be wonderful. It is beautiful, intense and sweet. Love can be a source of pleasure and also a great source of pain.
SATURDAY DIALOGUE WITH ROPAFADZO MAPIMHIDZE
This week, a young woman came to the NewsDay newsroom seeking advice from me as to whether she should leave her partner of three years who, she says, beats her.
It was such a difficult thing for me to advise, given the fact that she has a three-year-old child and is also expecting twins in a few months.
The young woman though not employed, is a university graduate and says she has failed to find a job and hence she is basically living at the mercy of her partner.
“I have tried being a good ‘wife’, but he does not see it at all. He beats me, denies me necessities and sometimes he can just go away for days. I am fed up and I just want to leave.”
Understandably, you don’t want to bail on every relationship at the very first sign of difficulty. There’s something to be gained in working through issues, and being supportive of someone during a turbulent time. On the other hand, how much is enough already?
When does “standing by your man” become such an imposition that it fails to serve any meaningful purpose in either of your lives?
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There are some critical rules which I picked up from Coily Embrace on the Internet which may assist women in more or less similar situations.
Firstly, the first rule of love is: Do not lose yourself!
“You are a beautiful, compassionate, intelligent, respectable, honest, loyal, young woman serving an important purpose on this Earth. Do not forget that as you fall in love. Do not allow a guy (or anyone) to cause you to doubt your self-worth, turn you into something or someone you aren’t, or become involved in things that are not in alignment with your values and sense of self.
So first find yourself — and then keep yourself.
Feel the love
Love is supposed to feel nice and peaceful, and your partner is supposed to . . . love you back! If he doesn’t (or fails to demonstrate it), it’s probably a good idea to reevaluate the relationship. One-sided relationships are not sustainable, satisfying, and only lead to suffering, self-doubt, and unhappiness.
It’s easy for a guy to say he loves you, but demonstrating that love is what really matters. Guys tell girls they love them and promise “happily ever after” all the time! They say this to keep you on the shelf. Don’t be his cheap toy. You are much too valuable to accept that role.
Have a vision
You must decide what you expect from a partner. Your list should be realistic, keeping in mind that you won’t be “perfect” so expecting “perfection” in your partner is unreasonable. You’ll be single forever if you expect a real live perfect man.
That being said, however, you must have some standards! What are they? Maybe family oriented, intelligent, honest, loyal, mentally stable, drug-free, non-violent, loves you, hard-worker, balanced . . .?? Focus on things that really matter. Skin colour, height, how much money he makes, the type of car he drives . . . shouldn’t matter. If you value the “wrong” (i.e. superficial) attributes, you will set yourself up for heartache.
So have a vision of the guy you really want. Who do you want him to be on the inside? How do you want him to treat you? What do you want him to value? Recognise and act swiftly if immediate relationship-enders surface.
Immediately end the relationship if: It involves domestic violence. If you constantly feel that you do not receive the due respect and concern, instead get abused; then it is advised to leave the relationship and stay away from the person.
The prime goal of entering into relationship is to be more jovial and satisfied. Each of the partners should care for the other and try to maximise the comforts each other in a relationship.
Emotional or physical abuse are to be resisted in a relationship and one has to leave immediately if the partner goes on engaging in abusive behaviour pattern. Modern relationships do not bind any person to suffer lifelong with a person incompatible.
Drug use/Alcoholism — It is WAY too early to involve yourself in trying to build a life, and carry (or DRAG) a partner with a major issue like drug or alcohol abuse through life.
If you mess around with addicted men, who have addicted peers, you run the real risk of becoming drug-addicted yourself, or having your future children drug-addicted.
Addicts lie, steal, cheat, and lose their minds, ultimately forsaking everything for that next high. If it is revealed to you early on that your guy is a substance abuser, consider yourself warned!
See the big picture!
You will get sad. Every relationship has its ups and downs. And life has a way of teaching us, and showing us, which direction we should go.
No relationship is ever worth hurting yourself, or killing yourself over. Nor is he worth you
going to jail for — so even if you wish him dead, and really may want to kill him, you must realise that this rage/anger/frustration will fade. Remember, love has nothing to do with it.
Whether you should stay, or go, is based on anything/everything discussed — except love. We know you love him. He knows you love him. So what?! What’s love got to do with it? Nothing! Nothing at all . . .
