When premarital sex harms marriages

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Three years ago she walked down the aisle, dressed in a long white dress with her face glowing under a veil and he, in a tuxedo.

Gibson Nyikadzino

Confetti was flying, and everyone was cheering and celebrating at the wedding.

Now they are both contemplating living separately and may even divorce. No one thought this could happen.

It was a time of ululating when they tied the knot, needless to say that the two had become one flesh, but little had Tawanda Bhaureni (27) (not real name) known that his wife, Cynthia (26) had a secret she had not told him.

Marriage involves making one’s life the definition of service in living for the other.

It entails setting aside childish shortcomings, avoidance of responsibility and foolish distractions and striving to emulate the perfect love.

It is sad to see any marriage run into trouble and break up.
But it is particularly a sad phenomenon that an increasing number of married young adults who have been born and raised especially in this age of a global village are having serious marital problems.

Throughout history, a woman’s virginity has been her prized possession and all cultures across the world have placed a high value on it.

But it seems times are changing in rapid succession from one generation to another and for an increasing number of young men and women, sex is now top priority in their relationships.

And much to our older generation’s chagrin, pre-marital sex is a definite reality of our times.

In more conservative African, Asian and Latin American societies, premarital sex is a vice, vehemently prohibited as such behaviour is either too sacred or too accursed for those unmarried to undertake.

Fornication is a more general term usually referring to any kind of sexual misconduct or sexual impurity outside the bounds of marriage.

In this case, Tawanda vents his anger and fury over the lies that he has been told by Cynthia. When the pair tied the knot, Cynthia had her face covered by a white veil, acknowledgement that she was a “virgin”.

“I have insecurity in this marriage because I had trusted that she was telling me all in earnest. At times I just feel that if she tells me I am pregnant I won’t be responsible because her lies gave room to that mistrust,” said a composed Tawanda.

Premarital sex seems to be the number one cause of divorce as one would have sold their most “prized” strength to another.

Many young men and women have different views when it comes to such issues. While young men charge at their female counterparts for having sex before marriage, they forget that women also wish to be married to virgin men.

In most cases, it seems women tell the “small lies” in order to find a committed man, and men are not spared too.

Emily Paonga, a member of Christ Embassy said the Devil has made it fashionable for young people to fornicate.

“From a Christian point of view it is really bad. The devil has made it so fashionable to engage in sexual activities whilst one is not married. Just because everyone is doing it doesn’t make it right,” she said.

Women, however, seem to tolerate men who are not virgins.

“In Christianity there is forgiveness. If one did it without knowing Christ then they are forgiven when they’ve known Him. No sensible man would want to marry a lady whom they know has been playing around. However, the man should understand when the lady explains. Maybe the lady was cheated into doing it. Men can be deceiving at times and love sometimes blinds people.

“The society has trained us that it doesn’t matter if the man is not a virgin, the lady just has to be. If the man is not, I will accept it,” added Emily.

The government of Zimbabwe last year triggered an emotive debate after indicating that through the Ministry of Health and Child Care, it is working towards coming up with laws that allows children as young as 10 years old to access condoms, birth control pills and implants as a way to prevent teenage pregnancies.

According to statistics from the United Nations Population Fund (UNFPA), by age 16, 17% of girls and 29% of boys would have had sexual intercourse.

As a result, 67% of all births to teenagers in 2012 occurred out of wedlock (compared with 30% in 2000), and from 2000 to 2012, gonorrhea increased by four times among 14 to 17-year-olds.

Most parents are of the view that the government’s initiative will promote promiscuity.

“There is need for the government to engage churches in curbing the scourge of premarital sex. People, especially in towns, are no longer conservative. It seems in towns that might be a measure, but at the same time, it will encourage teen sex,” said Thomas Sande, a father with two sons.

Nicole (22) revealed that she was sexually active at age 16 indicating that “virginity is no longer an issue”.

“It is wrong in the first place to sleep around. However, when that happens you should just be frank enough with your partner before your wedding plans. Virginity is no longer a big issue.

“Remember virginity is not the only measure to base a happy marriage on, honesty and trust are far more important traits that both partners should possess. Sex draws people closer and there is no doubt that if someone is responsible, I will give them what makes me earn their trust, and that is sex,” said Nicole.

Losing hymen is not only a result of one having sex. The presence of the hymen which ruptures (resulting in the bleeding) is not a sure sign of virginity wrote sexologist Dr Rajan Bhonsle.

“Some women are born without it (hymen), there are those for whom it is so elastic that it never ruptures while for some it is so fragile that a slightly intense activity may have rupture it without them even realising it. It is just not possible to assess whether a girl is a virgin or not by just examining her except if she’s been through a pregnancy or if she admits to having sexual intercourse,” wrote Dr Bhonsle.

With the current advances in medical technology, a plastic surgeon can quite easily reconstruct a layer of tissue to resemble the hymen, the procedure is called hymenoplasty.

Most sexologists concur that an intact hymen is not a sure sign of virginity. They say a woman’s hymen can be ruptured by nonsexual activities like intense sports, dancing, sitting astride on two wheelers among other activities.

University of Zimbabwe English student Lazarus Moyo (26) disputed the “scientific excuses” by sexologists. He alleged that what sexologists say is just a way of encouraging young women to be promiscuous.

“I need to marry a virgin, if I do not get one I will just be a senior bachelor,” said Lazarus without highlighting how he will ascertain a girl’s virginity.

For American housewives, it is taboo to violate their diet than fornicating. This is so because sex is now being commercialised in some economies that it is the norm in their societies.

Parents should take charge and monitor what their children watch on television as soap operas are themed around issues of sex and scandals.

44 COMMENTS

  1. Mr Nyikadzino I wonder in which generation are you? Your story is so confusing and basing marriage on virginity is not only unfair to weman but seem to be an oppressive mind that most african man are. We are living in the modern world where children are being taught about sex at school mainly for their own good. The other thing you should know is that life changes time and again and most of these things that cause people to have sex are more biological more than anything else. So the stakeholders in this case parents, schools, churches, elders and you press are trying hard to educate the young about sex hence this confusion where premarital sex is condemned but the truth is it is happening. Now the other approach has be the sex education especially in schools which I do support because it helps our sisters and brothers to do things they know and are encouraged to do it safely instead of trying have them not to do it. It is like denying one to drink water or got to the toilet. Just imagine the consequences. So Mr Nyikadzino I am sorry premarital sex is there big time and it is there to stay. You, me and other stakeholders should accept it and help our children to to condemn them they need our guidance big time.

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    • @ chinja4life can we say because corruption is rife in today’s society so its nolonger an issue? Premarital sex is against the will of God and every opportunity should be used to condemn it including the media. At the same time people should be reminded to be faithful in marriages, thats the will of God.

      • What are you doing on Earth? You are angel! Do one thing, commit suicide and live with God. You don’t deserve to live on Earth. Trust me.

    • You talk about Bible. It was written many years ago. Even Buddha changed his perceptions with time. Don’t you think it’s the high time to bring certain changes? We live in a male dominated society. Men can rape, cheat, and do whatever before their marriage. But, at the end, they need a virgin wife. Why don’t you men understand that there are just few girls around you and even if one man rapes, cheats 5 women in life, will you be left with any virgin around you? If you wish to marry a virgin, first of all change the society and don’t be dominant over women. Second, if you wish to marry a virgin, make sure that you stay virgin for her. Third, while looking for your girl, the criterion should be just virginity. You won’t check if she is beautiful, cooks well, has a melodious voice, warm personality, etc.
      Men, trust me, that’s the only way for you. B-)

  2. drug abuse is now wide spread but it does not make it right just as the wide spread of premarital sex does not make it right. It is folly to compare sex to drinking water or going to the toilet especially with the increase in sexually transmitted diseases such as HIV and AIDs. We can never tire from teaching our kids not to engage in premarital sex as it has dire physical, emmotional and psychological effects.

    • @Mdulababy trying to teach kids not to engage in premarital sex has failed it is a waste of time but educating them about sex is the in thing now. What this write is saying is not on where someone could be divorced for not being a virgin is abuse surely and should not be encouraged period.

      • My friend two wrongs don’t make a right. Majority of man wants to marry a virgin. Marriage is built on trust right? Yes I know some women are married as virgins but later become promiscus, BUT the point is when one marries, Virginity can be a proxy to measure if a lady can be trusted, that’s it period. Whether times change or not virginity is important. Its the duty of parents to teach children as the Bible says. Ukanyeberwa unogona kuramba munhu

  3. mr journalist yo article should have been publish in 1999 whr the sexual revolution was starting. Maybe and jus maybe u wud hv bn ryt. U r simply encouraging divorce on grounds of virginity loss wc happened way b4 this guy came along. Rather u shud be preaching abt being honest to each other and getting tested first.

  4. whn evil is rampant it does nt make it right, evil remains evil, we r not sodom, the ramnant is stll there n this corrupted society. Jesus is watching.

  5. As i highlighted months ago, government needs to give a very short leash to its citizens by changing the age of consent from 16 to 19 and age of majority from 18 to 21….it would not stop the sex before marriage but numbers of very young teenagers endulging would be reduced by a huge percentage.

    • Kay you think lyk me. Those who bedding children less than 16 are doing it but they limit themselves. I think that is goin to make our zim more responsible

  6. guys lets just follow what the Holy books say about sex before marriage. the fact that its now today’s culture does not make it right in God’s eyes. its like u are saying steal but dont be caught by the police. i strongly condemn sex before marriage and encourage the youths to abstain. even my children i will teach them the same.

  7. Wen abnormal abounds, normality seems abnormal, wen sin bcums fast ripe it appears sinless bt wil neva b marked ryt and wil stl suffer the fate of Sodom and Gomorah, Majority were rong and only 8 were saved. Jesus will neva justify Us for wrong acts bt w shud pray for God to help us to dettach from premarital activities b4 marriage.

  8. Major issue is honesty and trust. If you have lost your virginity, it’s a fatal error to lie that it is still there. Besides risk of discovery, your own guilt conscience will cause you to ruin your marriage.

    Statistically, marriages are hard to keep together. Promiscuity is of course the leading cause. Chances of it happening are far less when you start off as virgins, as you already have built up sexual discipline.

    So encouraging people to stay virgins before marriage is the right thing. Where they fail, honesty is next best.

  9. Although the world has changed and has seriously degraded morals, God never changes. His requirements for how we live our lives are the same. Fornication and adultery are sin, whether from man or woman. Its shameful to sleep around nhai imi. Sexual relations are very sacred and God has said they are to be practised in lawfully wedded couples. When a couple engage in intimacy, their bodys and spirit become one and the act is a sacred application to God to bless them with a child. God becomes involved and gives a child. Now when people commit sexual sin, they are mocking our sacred God and the powers He has given us to create life with the life giver God. Just as God gave life to Adam, sexual intimacy is a similar process that invokes the powers of heaven to create life. Musanyeperane muchiti its ok to give away freely your virginity. Its God given.

  10. Ukuwo vakomana vasati varoora ndivo vanenge vachiti ndinoda kuroora virgin ukuwo vanhukadzi vasiri mhandara ndivo vanenge vachiti humhandara hauna basa. Wobva watoshaya kuti zvirikumbo famba sei

  11. Its true premarital sex is destroying many marriages, Dzidzai kuzvibata e issue of saying we are living in a modern world is purely nonsense

  12. It’s true premarital sex is a sin, any sexual activity before marriage is a sin. Now having said that let us look at the situation. Single men are saying they want to get married to virgins yet those same single men slept with 5 or more virgins as they were growing up. Now those girls are no longer virgins, who do you expect to marry them? Why do men have to get away with murder all the time? Now comes the issue of rape, many girls are being abused by their uncles, brothers, cousins and even their own fathers. Who is going to marry those girls? Then comes date rape which has become rampart… Boyfriends forcing themselves on their girlfriends who have clearly said NO. What is to be said about this appalling behaviour from men behind closed doors? Yet here in the open you want to be Holy and claim to want a virgin. GOD is not blind, we are all sinners who have sinned and he will judge us all accordingly. Have repentant hearts and stop being judgemental for with that same measure you too will be judged. Ndapedza. Have a blessed Sunday.

  13. one’s virginity can be trick to verify since there is this cream flooded in e city that tightens the vigina.I think the beauty of a woman stays in the blood ,getting tested for Hiv before marrying each other is the most important goal.Therefore love is based on trust.

  14. “It is an abuse of God’s gift , its like taking a beautiful painting that someone has given to you and using it as a doormat”. Christian doctrines are against any form of sexual activity,plays etc, countless references tht can be quoted!!. More over, most of our African societies cultures still value boldly the importance of abstinence, because t is a sign of responsibility, and a visionary mind, indulging in sex reveals a loose mind, careless character,. No man or lady when all things being fair and equal prefers marrying a loose rated partner… If such hv already happened rather for opting divorce counseling must take place, to inform both parties, the other to learn, loyalty nd honest nd trustworthy while for the other to learn to accept fact and not take advantage of that in future.

  15. premarital sex is wrong virginity is very important. If it were not important why do women lie they are wn not. More so why are sexologist and those surgeons creating plastic surgery hymen. God wil destroy this weaked generation. The bible says my children are perishing because of lack of knowledge. Generations may change, bt the word of God wil remain the same so Watch out

  16. Stupid article.double standard.being a virgin dont make u a saint.who r ese yung women hsving sex wit?monkeys?guys shud also save demselves nt this rubbish.if u an insecure guy go hang.

  17. i agree with you Kay, if those ages are changed there will be a good number of avoided teenage pregnancy.

  18. Kikikikik, hakuna anoti ndoda kuroora virgin chete iye akamborara nawo mavirgin, pabateyi ipapo

  19. i think the while issue of virginity or lqck thereoff is controversial. The bible does clearly condemn fornication but people are still doing it, the bible also condemns lying and hypocrisy…. where am i goin wth this? If you have slept wth virgins before please dont expect to marry one and to thse obsessed about marryin a virgin, i have bad news for you… As a 22 year old female i learned so many ways to make it seem like i a virgin and yes you will see blood so please sit down…. But i am nt sayin i am the best you can expect is someone honest enough to tell you the truth… And Mr journalist having good sex-ed can reduve teenage pregnacy as we have witnessed failure in the current system, i say Let there be birth control

  20. so this tawanda guy in yo story divorced his woman after 3yrs in mariage…thats wen he noticed kuti she is no virgin ..thats a crap story

  21. How about this one? Have you not heard of a man who marries a woman with her own children from another marriage and yet they live happily for the rest of their lives. A good marriage is based on trust and loyalty. While virginity is a virtue, it does not always lead to a happy marriage. It is only ONE of the ‘many ingredients’ of a happy marriage. However, premarital sex often leads to marriage breakdown or/and if there is no breakdown there is a lot of cheating because both parties would be having a basis for comparison.

  22. “I need to marry a virgin, if I do not get one I will just be a senior bachelor,” said Lazarus without highlighting how he will ascertain a girl’s virginity…

    I find the objectivity of your article questionable dear. The opening of your story where you insinuate the woman to have lied about virginity causes the reader to see that you are still of the opinion that women ought to be virgins for men when they get married, and you also insinuate that it doesnt matter for a men to loose his virginity before marriage. I quoted that young man who i believe still needs to do a lot of growing up, who demands virginity from a woman, as though he is one. In this day and age, please do report well, make an effort to balance your story. i do not have a problem with society deciding we want our young people to marry while they are virgins, but the same society MUST make it clear that the policy affects both boys and girls. Do not write an article to black mail women and promote men to go backwards with development and injustice as well as violence to demand virginity from women which they themselves cannot give. Simple fact, if a young person whether boy or girl expects a virgin for marriage, he or her should be a virgin first. Simple maths. the same problem we have a troubled economy is such mindsets which think they can go around sleeping with any girl and expect a virgin the day they marry?? Its unbelievable line of thought and one that promotes patriarchy and lacks responsibility fostering. I support a person who will say, i will not engage in sexual activities before marriage, but i cant dictate on another being. Let love rule than some simple hymen!! there is more to life that this. there is economics, there is even abuse for women married virgins.. please lets get a life and discuss real issues of development and relationships as well as how we can improve the lives of our women please!

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  24. I do not know why men still want to denigrate women like this, this article is just crap!!
    One can not demand a virgin when one is not simple as that. One should get a
    partner whom they are compatible with not just virginity. What about love, friendship etc…?
    nonsense

  25. I married my wife when she was a virgin-though I wasn’t- but because of that I still cherish her so much. Her virginity taught me not to sleep around any more as the guilty conscience of doing the same has been so unbearable considering that I was her first man [and probably last].

    A little bit of background will help here- I first proposed when she was doing Form 2 and I was doing Form 5 and we waited until she finished/completed her A levels before we engaged in sexual activities and within 3 months of losing her virginity she was pregnant with our first daughter who is now 12 years old.
    Because she was a virgin , I trust her so much and I am working so hard that she trust me too as I told her about my sexual escapades before I met her.
    The gist of the story is: women who are married as virgins garner more trust from their husbands than non-virgins [never mind that the husbands weren’t virgins] and this tend to elongate their marriages [subjective though].

  26. s it took this guy 3 years to realize kuti haana kuroora mhandara???its not an issue.nyaya ndeye honesty and trust chete

  27. adulterous n evil generation!!! The wrath of God will surely catch you, continue in your ways. Its amazing how pipo will try to justify sin. The Holy Scriptured foretold that it wud b thus in then end times saka who can stop it?? None, best u repent and make right with God, dnt follow the masses for we know their fate. Do whats right in the sight of Jehovah. Repent

  28. Ok, here’s the issue I have encountered many times. I’ve been friends with women for a long time and they tell me their deeper secrets. One recurring issue is about the performance (or lack thereof) of men in bed. These women find it easy to compare coz they have a barometer in the form of old sexual partners they had before marriage. They wld name their best guy, where & when they did it. Often times they go back to him and get it again. This would not happen if virgins marry each other. All they wld have to do is teach each other and explore. A man or woman hu was sleeping around b4 marriage always finds it easy to do so even during marriage, some even dare do it on the wedding day.

  29. its jst an issue of trust that matters getn married whilst you are a virgin doesnt gurantee u a happy marriage takaona mavirgins akaroorwa imba ikaramba kumira and vatova mahure mumabawa bcz she z heart brkn cz she saved herself fr the wrong guy…….virginty aint an issue at all

  30. Guys nyaya iyi inorwadza pabatei ipapo.just imagine iwe mukomana u are still a virgin and woroora mkadzi asiri virgin apa anenge akanyepa futi zvinozorwadza coz hauzoziva zvaanenge achikufungira.nhau yehu virgvirgin ngairambe iriko kusvika jesu achidzoka.yu can’t trust munhu akakunyepera kuti she’s still a virgin woona asiri hamufe makagarisana zvakanaka

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