Did you know that you can now make a career out of predicting trends? No, I am not talking about the Emmanuel Makandiwa/Uebert Angel type of predictions, or even the kind that requires you to sneeze and watch as an expert throws bones and other future-fetching paraphernalia about. Opinion by Thembe Khumalo
Neither am I talking about the type of career that requires one to gaze into a crystal ball or shuffle tarot cards.
I am talking about bona fide business consultants whose job is to tell companies and entrepreneurs what to expect in a particular chronological season.
Trending is one of those words that has only belatedly morphed from noun status to a verb. Similar to cougar becoming cougaring, (a recent discovery for me) and, of course, googling which we all use without even thinking about it.
Some years ago, a most unfortunate beauty pageant contestant tried to evolve the word hobby into a verb too, but she experienced no success.
You are wondering how one could use hobby as a verb, right? Well, here’s what she said when asked what her hobbies were: “I don’t hobby.”
Once the raucous laughter from the audience had simmered down she tried to redeem herself by adding, “No, no, Actually I DO hobby!” and then it was downhill from there. Poor child.
Going back to the subject of trends, some countries have celebrity trendists who have made not just a career out of predicting, or rather suggesting what trends might be for a particular period, but have actually become famous and much sought-after.
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The first trendist I came across was Faith Popcorn, an American marketing consultant referred to as a “futurist”.
More recently and closer to home, Dion Chang’s name keeps coming up when you talk about trends experts.
I am not sure really what qualifications one needs to predict trends, but I figured I may as well give it a shot and put out a list of my own predictions for 2013.
Perhaps if my predictions prove to be correct I can become the first person in Zimbabwe to get an honorary degree in trendism! So here goes:
- Something very bad is going to happen
- Something very good is going to happen
- Something surprising will happen to you or someone you know
How am I doing so far? I think I am on the right track and am just getting warmed up! You want me to be more specific I suppose? Let me try:
- A high-profile government official with a young wife is going to have a baby.
- A certain businessman will make a lot of money doing something that seems very obvious in hindsight.
- A certain government official will make a lot of money in a mysterious transaction.
- A certain telecommunications company will continue to make millions of dollars while its customers sit around lamenting, “I’m losing you. I’m losing you” to people they are in the middle of conversation with.
- Many Zimbabweans will struggle to make ends meet.
- Many babies will be conceived and born in spite of the economic and social difficulties.
- Kim Kardashian will become more famous than Beyonce even though she doesn’t actually have a known talent.
- There will be a rise in the number of broken promises.
- Colour blocking will fade and disappear.
OK, enough horsing around I suppose. We should really consider some of the more serious trends likely to afflict us in 2013 and give them our grave consideration:
- Violence, hate speech and lack of tolerance will remain a part of our reality.
- More poor people will become poorer.
- More rich people will become richer.
- More women will die of cancer
- More children will die of malnutrition.
- Our voter’s roll will continue to expand and shrink with little relation to actual voters registering.
- The lives of people will continue to be trivialised as opinion leaders determinedly focus on periphery issues while avoiding the root of our problems.
- The people of Zimbabwe will continue to tolerate abuse in the form of poor service delivery, lack of transparency and accountability and juvenile rhetoric coming from government ministers.
So there you have it — the official top 20 Local Drummer trends for 2013. Its not so hard to be a futurist/trendiest after all.
You just have to be willing to state the obvious under a guise of mysterious and unattainable skill and then, of course, you have to have the courage to say it all out loud!
- Thembe Khumalo writes in her personal capacity. Readers’ comments can be sent to [email protected]. Follow Thembe on Twitter www.twitter/localdrummer or visit her facebook page www.facebook.com/localdrummerzw
