×
NewsDay

AMH is an independent media house free from political ties or outside influence. We have four newspapers: The Zimbabwe Independent, a business weekly published every Friday, The Standard, a weekly published every Sunday, and Southern and NewsDay, our daily newspapers. Each has an online edition.

Lets have that difficult conversation

Opinion & Analysis
Yes. OK. Its acknowldegded and agreed. We do need to talk about it. And we will. But how? And when? Should it be done at home when we are sitting down over the evening meal? Or should we make an occassion of it and go out for dinner? Perhaps over a cup of coffee to […]

Yes. OK. Its acknowldegded and agreed. We do need to talk about it. And we will. But how? And when?

Should it be done at home when we are sitting down over the evening meal? Or should we make an occassion of it and go out for dinner? Perhaps over a cup of coffee to lighten the mood?

Will we get better results if we just bring it up casually in front of the TV? Or is it better to be focused about it, make an appointment and ensure there are no distractions? Or perhaps when we are in bed and the lights are switched off and we dont have to look each other in the eye?

These are all the questions that go through our minds once weve decided to have that tricky conversation. Its probably a discussion weve been putting off for a while and it takes courage, not only to make the decision, but also to implement it.

Nine times out of 10 the conversation is difficult because it involves peoples feelings. Its also likely to be bad news. Imagine having to tell a close colleague that you can no longer bear his bad breath.

It takes some nerve and tact. How do you begin? You dont want to hurt his feelings, but at the same time you realise you are not doing them any favours by keeping quiet.

Mostly the issues are much bigger and the news could be good and bad at the same time. The Bible tells us that children are treasures from heaven, but when a teenage girl has to tell her parents shes pregnant its hard to maintain this perspective. She knows the hopes they hold for her.

She knows the sacrifices they have made to give her education, opportunities, access to information and connections. She feels the weight of the disappointment that her announcement will bring and her little heart is breaking over the shame and wasted prospects.

Generally speaking, the etiquette surrounding bad news suggests that wherever possible, it should be shared in person, face to face. So no smses or Facebook posts to announce to a lover that you are no longer interested please! And no faxed job resignations either.

Ideally the conversation should be held in private. Team meetings are not the opportunity to dress a colleague down about her skirts being too short or too tight.

It is also recommended that difficult conversations be held at a quiet time of the day. So its probably not a good idea to tell your kids that you will be away from them while you are in the car on your way to school.

The evening is a better time as it gives all parties a chance to process the contents of the conversation overnight and in private.

In the age we live in, one of items at the top of the tough conversation list is HIV and Aids. I am not sure whether its because the subject is still taboo or whether its because in spite of the advances made in medical care, we are still so fearful or whether its because we are also still very ignorant, but there just seems to be no easy way to raise the subject in any forum.

People starting a new relationship often dont know at what point to suggest a joint counselling and testing session.

A woman doesnt want to seem pushy by suggesting it to the man and therefore implying that the relationship is more serious than it really is, and at the same time the man wants to get to first base as quickly as possible and asking questions (however important they may be) will only delay the process.

By the way, healthcare professionals confirm that mens health-seeking behaviour is not as conscientious as that of women.

It seems that for men, things to do with health generally do not relate to pleasure and that explains why there is a surplus of pot bellies wandering around happily oblivious of what this is doing to their health!

The primary goal is pleasure, so why spoil it by worrying about health. It will delay the process if you start asking questions.

But I digress. The other critical conversation concerning HIV of course has to do with disclosure. How do I tell my loved ones that I am HIV-positive? In this case, the best thing to do is to seek professional help.

Its such an important conversation and so easy to get wrong in so many ways that the time spent with a counsellor is a worthwhile investment. And once you have the knowledge of how to handle this, its yours forever and you can even use it to help other people.

There is a whole range of conversations we would rather avoid at home, at work, and in society. But the long-term gain from communicating almost always outweighs the short-term discomfort.

So lets go ahead and have those awkward conversations. I know there are a couple I need to initiate and I am sure there are some for you too.

Thembe Sachikonye writes in her personal capacity. Readers comments can be sent to [email protected]. Follow Thembe on www.twitter/localdrummer