Draft Letter to Queen Elizabeth II on the royal wedding

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Preamble:

In Kalale, the capital city of the Sovereign Republic of Kalakuta (seventy-five miles as the crow flies east of Madagascar) everyone knows everyone.

After all we are just a population of 1, 3 million people. Although we have a polarised political environment, ours is a very incestuous society.

Just recently I sat in a social club with the Cabinet Secretary to the Supreme President, His Excellency Professor Ngwazi Al-Hajj Ramech Gcobo Mugira and he showed me a copy of a letter he had drafted for approval and subsequent courier by diplomatic bag to Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II.

Her Majesty the Queen,

Fraternal greetings from the sovereign people of the Republic of Kalakuta and from myself in my capacity as the Head of State and Government and Commander-in-Chief of the Armed Forces.

Your Majesty, this missive is occasioned by the impending nuptials of Prince William and Miss Kate Middleton. Not since 1981 has the world been gripped with such goodwill and joy at the prospect and subsequent confirmation of royal matrimony.

On behalf of the First Family and the sovereign people of the Republic of Kalakuta, allow us Your Majesty, to express our joy and congratulations to the young couple and to wish them fairy-tale happiness and laughter.

Fascinated like the rest of the world, I have had the pleasure to explain to the First Lady the whole process of producing a new coat of arms for the Middleton family and the significance of heraldry.

She remains somewhat stupefied by this ritual but then I have had a longer association with your traditions than her.

If it had not been for the small matter of the circumscription of our movement to your royal kingdom she would by now have steeped herself in your history and traditions.

You may be pleased to hear that I do often regale the First Family with stories of my private moments with you at high tea, talking cricket and other worldly matters.

My official photographer did produce a beautiful album of my 1994 State visit.

I have this one photograph I adore, I am wearing a tuxedo and you are your usual epitome of elegance with a blue sash over your white embroidered dress.

It was the occasion of my bestowment with the Knight Grand Cross of the Royal Victorian Order. My earlier visit, Your Majesty may recall, was in 1987 on the unhappy occasion of the demise of Sir Christopher (may God bless his soul).

We are well aware that the royal couple have given express instruction that they will not accept gifts.

However, allow us, Your Majesty, to offer a year’s supply of asparagus to the entire royal family. We would have desired to offer a herd of cattle to Miss Middleton’s family as lobola (dowry) but we are aware that she is most likely a vegetarian and might take offence at this gift that is most acceptable in our own cultural practices.

However, we can offer a different kind of gift. As all the children have followed in your footsteps and paid our sovereign State a visit on one occasion or other, we hereby officially extend an invitation to Prince William and Princess Katherine to spend their honeymoon by the Stanley Morton Falls and also visit the Hankie National Game Park.

Should the newly-weds oblige us with a positive response we shall instruct our Minister of Tourism and Sustainability to make the necessary arrangements.

We should, however, proffer our apologies in advance for the lack of sartorial elegance on the part of the said Minister (he does mistake flamboyance and gaudiness for style).

We have received with alacrity news that Messrs Tony Blair and Gordon Brown have not been invited to the matrimonial festivities. In receiving the news we echoed Shakespeare:

“Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are dead.” This is because we are of the opinion that the great people of England are a most decent people but these two former prime ministers seem to have suckled the milk of deceit and double-crossing. We have no quarrel with your Royal Highness and the English people.

As you maybe well aware, Your Majesty, yourselves and us have been the unwitting victims of the vicious so-called Fourth Estate.

The British press, in particular, have not behaved with the typical English decorum but have exhibited the qualities of a bull terrier.

From the attacks on our person by the Telegraph, The Times and other newspapers we can only surmise that they are working in cahoots with enemies of our sovereign State.

I do, however, take heart that our official chaplain has recently counselled me with words from Ecclesiastes 3:1:

“There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under heaven . . .” We believe the time shall come soon when the sovereign peoples of Great Britain and the Republic of Kalakuta shall find each other again.

Your Majesty, we wish to recall the warmth of your last correspondence on the occasion of our golden jubilee independence celebrations. Your Majesty you wrote:

“As you celebrate your national day, I have much pleasure in sending my warmest greetings to the people of Kalakuta, together with my best wishes for a peaceful and prosperous future.”

It is in this spirit of reciprocity that we are making all efforts for our people to watch the ceremony live on national television but there may be constraints occasioned by the heinous acts of sabotage of our national economy by international forces to whom we have intimated above.

Once again, Your Majesty, accept our congratulations on the wedding of Prince William and Miss Kate Middleton.

I have honour to remain, Madam, Your Majesty’s most humble and obedient subject,
Professor Ngwazi Al-Hajj Rameck Gcobo Mugira
President of the Republic of Kalakuta