HomeOpinion & AnalysisColumnistsWhy do married men cheat, lie?

Why do married men cheat, lie?

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It was a case of lies and deceit which irretrievably destroyed a relationship that everybody thought was promising.

It was everyone’s hope that these two people would one day exchange vows in a cruise on the Indian Ocean as the man always boasted especially when he had downed a few beers.

However, something terrible happened to the man. He had gone to his village in Mhondoro when he drank beer that had been laced with poison.

“He had spoken to me a day before he was returning to Harare that he was already packing his clothes. But next thing I heard he was in hospital and that over eight drips had been administered on him,” said Kristabel Lysias Pillar.

Kristabel drove to Mhondoro the following day and what she discovered nearly drove her bananas.

The man was married and his wife actually worked at the hospital.

“I had asked one of his relatives, as we were walking into the hospital, how bad his condition was and she responded saying his wife would know better.

The wife walked towards us with a limp but my mind was just focused on wanting to see my partner who was at the point of death. He had told me that his wife had died in a car crash and that is the story he had always talked about and sometimes would get into deep thought about it.”

Then there is an incident about a former workmate who had a colourful wedding in the mid-90s, which was dissolved within three months.

The man had discovered that the beautiful flower girl that was in the bridal party was apparently not his sister in law but his wife’s daughter.

“I was so disappointed and felt so betrayed. How could she do this to me? And how much more did I not know about her? We were divorced officially six months later,” said the disappointed man.

But the effects of this betrayal weighed heavily on the man.

He has failed to get into a normal relationship as he hops from one bed to the other.

The last time I spoke with his brother, he had sired at least five children with five different women.

One woman had tried to take her life after revelations of the four other women.

He had started drinking heavily and the truth is that he was on course to self-destruct.

Respect, trust and friendship are three things that are so difficult to build up when such incidents occur.

Sincerity and commitment are also the two ingredients that make a good relationship but more often than not, partners lie to each other so much that they leave scars that are sometimes difficult to heal.

“Every morning when I wake up, the first thing that comes into my mind is that man. I was so traumatised by the Mhondoro incident and although we did continue seeing each other; it was never the same again. It is difficult to leave a relationship abruptly. The wife he had said had died was actually his live-in girlfriend who collapsed and died probably from stress-related ailments. I cannot understand why he made up such a lie.”

Kristabel said she had been in love with this Mhondoro man for four years and never did she notice anything amiss.

He was loving, caring and only made mention of his dead “wife” once in a while.

She said it was a relationship that was wonderful and blissful.

“How could I have been deceived for such a long time? His relatives knew me and not a single one said anything about the wife who lives in the village.”

Kristabel says she believed that she was the only one that this man was seeing as there was no indication of anything feminine at his house.

It was a typical bachelor’s home that needed sprucing up all the time. But he made it a point that he went to the village.

“He said his children were living with his ailing mother who was a nurse at Mvuma Hospital. All he carried to the village was stuff related to his children. But I noticed the sandals his wife was wearing when I visited him at hospital were the ones he had said were his mother’s.”

His children would come to Harare for the school holidays and to me these were children that survived the dead “wife”.

Kristabel eventually had a talk with the Mhondoro wife who was very open about her customary marriage to this man.

“That man is a polygamist and our marriage has been like that for years.”

I then asked her why she was hanging onto a man she clearly could see was not committed to her and she said she had to stay put for the sake of their children. She apparently is breastfeeding brand new triplets as we speak now.”

I Google searched on this topic and found some interesting comments about why men lie to their spouses or partners.

Answer.Com said most women already know when their spouse is cheating and lies just make it harder to work things out.

“The truth is the first step to making your marriage work, it will hurt but deceit and lies will sooner or later end a relationship. She needs to be told, she deserves to be told; if you love her trust her to talk it out. If not, you will lose her. You need to have the guts to admit you were wrong. If he continues to lie, maybe the affair is not over or he is planning on having another. Why put her through this? It is wrong.

Most times all she wants to hear you say is that you love her and you are sorry for what you did. Cheats and liars do not accept responsibility, so they don’t want any accountability.

My email chat friend had this to say: “Women who cheat are smarter as opposed to men and they are hardly caught. Some men do not even know why they cheat and it has nothing to do with the partner. Men are just weak and stupid.”

Answer.Com says cheating and lying can be a bad combination. It says men cheat on women for several reasons.

“Many men simply cheat and lie because they can. In such a case, the ball is in your court. You can forgive him and carry on with your life, or you could not forgive him and get revenge, or you could end the relationship and move on with life.

“Either way, the best way to know why a person does what he does is by asking him outright. Do not jump to conclusions and judgments; it will more often than not, turn out to be wrong.”

Men lie about affairs because they don’t want to face the consequences of their actions if the truth is discovered.

The following are some of the reasons male friends have said about this situation:

They don’t want to get divorced, lose their kids, lose their home and money, lose reputation, lose position in community, lose respect of family or friends, lose respect at work, etc. Chronic cheats usually have brief flings or one-night stands and the other women mean nothing to them at all.

He believes he really loves his wife and wants to stay married to her. He thinks he will eventually grow out of the cheating or that the marriage will get better. This is the kind of man who justifies his actions by saying that his wife never wants to have sex anymore, she’s gained weight, she doesn’t take care of herself, etc. He will blame the wife for making him cheat, thereby giving himself an excuse to lie about it.

He honestly regrets the cheating and would never do it again, so he doesn’t see any need to confess since he has already “solved” the problem.

Sometimes they really have learned their lesson, but most of the time it happens again eventually and he tells himself the same thing the next time.

Unless it really is a one-time thing, cheating men and women will almost always get caught eventually and have to face the consequences.

But as long as they are getting away with lying, most people will continue to lie.

If you suspect you are being cheated on and being lied to about it, trust your instincts and go the extra mile to prove yourself right or wrong.

Or, get out of the relationship and move on to someone who you can trust.

But believe it or not, there are so many women that are living like the Mhondoro woman who has turned out to be a ceremonial wife who is battling to survive in the village.

Let us hear your views. Email to the address below.

Feedback:ropafadzom@newsday.com

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